somenonsensewritings

StudentsxCEOs Episode 4 - Pak Abdul Hamid Batubara (Pak Ucok)

2012-02-12T17:27:00.002+07:00

Hi! Berikut adalah resume (berbahasa resmi nih, sori ye, haha) tentang pertemuan gue sama CEO Chevron Pacific Indonesia, Bapak Abdul Hamid Batubara. Gimana caranya gue bisa ketemu dia? Hehe, udah dari November 2011 kemaren gue alhamdulillah terpilih sebagai salah satu anggota batch 2 StudentsxCEOs Core Team. Selama setelah gue kepilih jadi core team, baru 1 kali ini gw bisa ketemu CEO karena yg sebelum-sebelumnya (Eps. 1 - CEO XL Axiata, Eps. 2 - CEO Relife, Eps. 3 - CEO Medco) gue selalu berhalangan.

Want to know more about StudentsxCEOs? Visit our website, twitter, and like our fanpage! Apply buat jadi Guest Star ya :D buat yang di Jakarta, ayo ikut Recruitment SxC chapter Jakarta!

Happy reading!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pak Ucok telah lebih dari 30 tahun bekerja di PT Chevron Pacific Indonesia sebelum menjadi CEO. Pak Ucok berdarah Batak namun menghabiskan masa kecilnya di Bandung, tepatnya di SD Muararajeun, SMP 2, SMA 3, lalu melanjutkan pendidikan ke ITB jurusan Teknik Elektro ’82. Ayahnya meninggal waktu beliau berusia 5 tahun. Sejak saat itu, anak ke-12 dari 12 bersaudara ini membantu ibunya berjualan pecel dan kakaknya yang merintis usaha sablon. Usaha sablon kakaknya tersebut sekarang terkenal dengan merk C59. Menurut Pak Ucok, ibunya sangat berjasa dalam menanamkan filosofi dasar kehidupannya. Nilai-nilai yang ia pegang sampai sekarang antara lain tidak boleh meminta-minta dan harus selalu menolong orang lain.

Menurut CEO ini, karirnya dapat dibagi menjadi 3 jenjang, yaitu:

1. Technical Professional

2. Supervisor

3. Executive

Setelah lulus dari ITB, Pak Ucok diterima bekerja di Chevron (dulu Caltex) setelah meyakinkan diri untuk lepas dari usaha sablon dan berkeinginan kuat untuk hidup mandiri. Ia senang bekerja di Chevron karena perusahaan ini memiliki etika bisnis yang tinggi serta transparansi dalam mengelola keuangan. Pada tahap Technical Professional, Pak Ucok harus berurusan dengan dirty work dan dituntut menunjukkan technical excellence yang tinggi. Saya kagum karena beliau begitu mencintai pekerjaannya sehingga pulang malam pun sering dilakukan tanpa sadar. Tantangan yang paling berkesan menurutnya pada tahap ini adalah ketika ia ditunjuk untuk merakit komputer Apple bosnya yang baru dibeli. Pada masa itu, komputer Apple tidak umum digunakan sehingga referensi untuk merakit komputer ini ia gali dari orang-orang yang bekerja di kios-kios komputer. Keberhasilannya mengerjakan hal ini membuatnya semakin dipercaya oleh para atasan. Pesan Pak Ucok, “Tidak boleh negative thinking. Convert challenge to opportunity!”.

Pada tahap supervisor, Pak Ucok pernah mengalami apa yang disebut sebagai titik nadir dalam hidup. Ketika itu ia merasa ada penurunan performance yang menyebabkan kerugian perusahaan yang cukup besar. Ia kembali setuju untuk mengatasi permasalahan tersebut dengan satu syarat: pengambil keputusan harus menyetujui semua usulannya. Saat itu ia harus berurusan dengan 24 konsultan, dan untuk meningkatkan efisiensi pekerjaan, ia berinisiatif memecat 12 diantaranya. Perubahan ekstrim ini membuatnya dicerca oleh bos perusahaan konsultan yang merupakan ekspatriat dan harus berurusan dengan para petinggi Chevron dari luar negeri. Akhirnya terjadi kesepahaman dengan perusahaan konsultan, efisiensi kerja meningkat, dan proyek kemudian dapat berjalan dengan lancar. Pesan Pak Ucok, “Kalau kita punya keyakinan akan suatu perubahan, dan kita yakin perubahan itu akan terjadi, jangan mudah mundur meskipun jalannya memang terjal!”.

Dengan semakin meningkatnya kredibilitas Pak Ucok, ia kemudian menggantikan Pak Suwito Anggoro sebagai CEO. Menurutnya, pada tahap ini technical excellence tidak terlalu berperan lagi. Ia mengatakan, seorang CEO haruslah memiliki kebijaksanaan yang tinggi dan relasi yang baik dengan partner perusahaan. Menurutnya, “Everything is blurry and cannot be solved in operational level. Apalagi pada posisi ini kita berhubungan dengan stakeholders, dan itu tidak mudah”. Terkadang ia rindu kembali menjadi technical professional, namun ia berpendapat untuk maju kita harus siap meninggalkan comfort zone dengan terukur dan memiliki tujuan yang jelas. Salah satu quotes beliau yang sangat saya sukai saat berbicara tentang level ini adalah, “Seek to understand to be understood. Biarkan orang lain yang memberikan recognition terhadap usaha kita, kita hanya butuh stay di level kita saja”. Melalui pesan ini, ia menekankan bahwa kita tidak boleh sombong meskipun pencapaian kita sudah luar biasa.

Me with Pak Ucok! :D

2011 – A Year of Firsts

2012-01-01T23:03:00.010+07:00

2011 was awesome – one of the best years I’ve had in my life, ranked 2nd after 2008. In a nutshell, 2011 was a year of firsts: first time doing something that has never been done before, first time visiting other parts of the world, and many other firsts. After an emotionally exhausting 2010, 2011 came off as enjoyable, with some ups and downs going at constant pace. As an annual special post for my blog, this time I’m going to recap what has been there in this superb year. I hope you also had a wonderful 2011, and I sincerely hope 2012 will be even better :).

January
Kicked start the beginning of new year with ITB Harvard National Model United Nations (HNMUN) Intensive Training. Missed the first caucus training with the alumnae because I had to have second-chance examination to fix my C grade for Material and Energy Balances course :( and in the end the grade didn’t change, pfftt. My semester break this month was full of training, both for HNMUN as Person in Charge, as well as adjudication training for 14th Indonesian Varsities English Debate Championship, the one I champed in previous year. At the end of this month I boarded a plane for the first time in my life: went to Makassar, earned A accreditation and adjudicated in Grand Final of IVED 2011, and had a great deal of fun in my first visit to the eastern part of Indonesia. Coming back to Bandung, I received a message telling that I had been selected as one of “Mahasiswa Berprestasi” in Proficio Awards 2011 – an award given to outstanding students from various major and batch. It was really unpredictable :P

With some of ITB team members for IVED UNHAS


Proficio Awards 2011

February
The highlight of this month is, of course, my journey to USA: Boston with its Harvard and MIT, New York, Washington DC, and Niagara Falls. Me and 17 other distinguished delegates left Indonesia on Valentine’s Day (haha). It was my first time going abroad, first time seeing snow, first time going to USA, first time visiting places that I previously only saw on TV and Internet. The conference loaded me with new insights about world’s decision making process, and the whole trip was simply a-m-a-z-i-n-g... I cried in Abu Dhabi when going back. I got full sponsorship and lots of donations I got through bloodsweatandtears so my parents didn’t have to pay for anything, I was magically blessed. The only thing that tainted this month was an icy relationship with someone I thought I could believe in.

Lincoln Memorial


Statue of Liberty

At Harvard University

March
My 19th birthday came in the midst of jet lag and limbo-ish state of of mind. The thought of USA lingered in my mind throughout this month. Nothing really special happened actually, I had to catch up with college stuffs in Chemical Engineering major that I had abandoned for 3 weeks straight :P. In this month I learned to accept a bitter truth about that someone, again forgetting good things that happened between us. I was betrayed once more by a person I almost gave my heart to, the fragile part I knew he could break. I stayed off from getting in touch, only went out once again with him. Learned to accept that our promise wouldn’t happen, and we were not destined for each other. Heard rumors and gossips circling around, turned off my ear and concentrated to my study while ignoring the soap-bubble-that-bursts fact.

The Twins' 19th Birthday

April

April 8th marked the unexpected failure in Schlumberger Vacation Trainee selection process, one of the selections I planned to succeed since I entered ITB. The fact that I failed even in the first stage interview felt like a sharp razorblade cutting my confidence to its last drop of blood. I remember crying and cursing throughout the whole day, but regained strength and hang on to hope once more. This month was the busiest of fourth semester, last chances of gaining good scores in between flooding assignments. My busy-ness was even added with HNMUN 2012 Selection Process phase one: back-and-forth with Elsa as the Head of Selection and fellow HNMUN 2011 delegates. Mushrooming ITB students who joined MUNs (often being irresponsible and blind about what it takes to be a real MUNers) raised bad issues at campus, and we had to have meetings with ITB Directorate of Student Affairs, converged to the idea of making a MUN regulatory body.

May
Super exhausting end of semester examination. Went through the last selection process for Chandra Asri Petrochemical Scholarship. I got the limited scholarship only offered to 10 ChemEng students. It was.. big :P but I have to work 2 years in their company. Fair enough, since after knowing deeper about SLB I thought I wouldn’t be ready to face highly-demanding environment in oil service company right after I graduate. The company promises good trainings in and out of the country, so after consulting with the big family of mine I did accept the deal. I wouldn’t earn very big income, but somehow I felt like it was going to be okay as a start. I aimed for thick training experiences after 2 years working there. At the end of the month, I had community service in Ciparay Village with fellow Chemical Engineering 2009 friends. 2 days 1 night in this village reminded me to always be grateful for everything Allah SWT had given to me, the endless blessing in every tiniest aspect of life. I learned to live with the poor, slept peacefully above solid ground, ate naturally grown, delicious vegetables and saw a true, genuine happiness stream from their simple life... a forgotten piece of monotonistic, fast-paced modern life we all had been living in.

HIMATEK 2009 Community Service, Ciparay Village

June
In this month I had to go through the most stressing 2 weeks of my life: 2-weeks+ Basics of Bioprocess (DAS BP) Laboratory. It was like hell. Seriously. 8 am to 3 pm nonstop (only for having meal and religious practice). I almost literally lost my sanity in doing the whole lab assignments, even unconsciously blabbering about fermentation when I did shalat and mom came, she was afraid that her daughter might lose her mind. Slept only 2 hours for 3 days in a row, only slept maximum 4-5 hours everyday in average. People were having the beginning of summer break so campus was completely silent. After the lab ended, 18 Bioprocess students had a crazy, after-stress karaoke and hanging out session before going back to the hometowns. Yaayy bioprocess rocks!

Lab DAS BP

But in this month, I was forced to have one of the biggest decision in my life: to leave the house that built me. To stay away from debating. I was totally disappointed of what supposed to be the best last training camp ever, even the scars are still there. I expected fairness and transparency, yet people kept on throwing ugly gossips undermining my lab struggling after I decided to bailout. I was called worse than coward, worst of the worse was that they only brave enough to shout behind my back and put pretty faces upward, but I didn’t care. Seriously dude, you don’t know what it takes for me to stay alive so shut the f up.

July
Cheers for, finally, summer break! I had always been a home lover so I enjoyed staying at home doing whatever I wanted to do. First summer break completely free from debating practice, half sad half happy, tho. I had a lot of time to apply for many selections, organized HNMUN 2012 Selection Process phase two, had a family vacation to Cipanas Garut, also with my cousins and close relatives.

With my cousins and Grandma

This month, I went to Gadjah Mada University Yogyakarta as invited adjudicator for JOVED 2011. A bunch of thank you-s to Gladys, Farah, and Marini who were there when I was pushed down by the world I had always loved since I was 15, the world that forever changed my direction. Your help was indispensable :).


Trio Macan, my best highschool teammates, reunited at JOVED 2011

August
The highlight of this month is, of course, my second time going abroad for Japan-Asia Young Scientist and Engineers Study Visit (JAYSES) 2011 in Bangkok, Thailand organized by Tokyo Institute of Technology. The selection to be JAYSES participant was heart-pumping, and the after selection was, for the lack of better words, full of surprise. Again, all expenses paid, which made it even better :P because I used my extra money from USA trip and we got sponsorship from PT SKF Indonesia. Met Nana, Reinhardt, and Gamma for the first time as fellow ITB delegates..we looked like having blind date because we only knew each others’ faces from facebook :P, also met Dhanita, Citra, Alfan from UI as well as Sisil, Rysti from UGM.

An unexpected encounter with Mario Maurer at Siam Paragon

Indonesian cultural performance @ King Mongkut's University of Technology Thonburi

We had LOTS LOTS LOTS of FUN FUN FUN! Participants from Thailand, Japan, and Philippines were soooo awesome that I really can’t explain the degree of awesomeness hahaha. 5 out of 5! Our friendship lasts throughout the months until now, Thai/Indo/Phil people who went to Japan were always treated well by the Japanese and vice versa, makes me totally wanna go to Tokyo just to meet my amazing TokyoTech friends hehe.

With fellow delegates at Grand Palace, Bangkok

September
After Idul Fitri which I enjoyed in my first day back in Indonesia again :), the real fifth semester had only just begun. Had a jolt of excitement (and relief) knowing that I was paired with Daniel Wahjudi for Laboratory Course I (Labtek I). We had known each other for quite long: group 96 in PROKM (orientation for freshmen), FTI-A in first year of college, majoring in Chemical Engineering, took Bioprocess as sub-major, but had never been working together. Went through our first labtek, Glucose-Fructose Conversion. It was emotionally draining, and we were completely mad but even at that time I knew our partnership grew closer and more solid.

October
October was the pinnacle of fifth semester hecticness. Labtek occupied most of my times, assignments, quizzes, and tests came consecutively to the point that I had to come to campus 7 days a week. I couldn't have survived this month without my ChemEng ladies, especially Indy, Priska, Denissa, Rea, Tyas, Monce, Elsa, Bibil, Mbadita, and brozone duet Jimmy and David Bieber.

(some of) my ChemEng Ladies :)

It was, again, a fortune that I had Daniel as my partner (I usually called him Jiang, after his family name :D). I just can’t say enough xie-xie to him, for he made labtek a lot easier and bearable. Well, he’s one of the brightest minds in my batch, enough said. Add to the cart his joyous personality and gentle attitude, just too bad we have different religion. Hahahahaha kidding :D

Meet my partner! :D

October also marked the end of ITB HNMUN 2012 Selection Process. The Ganesha Model United Nations Club team consists of HNMUN and WMUN alumnae debated and exchanged views on what seemed to be the longest meeting ever for everyone: from 4.30 pm to 1 am straight! I had been appointed as Chief of Training at Ganesha MUN Club, so starting from that day I began organizing once a week training for the new delegates, which added another busy-ness in my already busy life, but it was a honorable responsibility so I tried my best :)

New delegates! ...and sleep-deprived committee

In this month I also went to Jakarta for the last selection process of 11th Hitachi Young Leaders Initiative. I was thankful that I could pass the ITB-stage selection, because 10 people who previously passed the phone interview were all superb.. might as well be said ITB most sparkling diamonds, CV-wise. It was the first ever I’m-completely-on-my-own trip to Jakarta, first ever entering a five star hotel (Shangri-La) by myself as well. At the end of the month, right after falling down from a stair -__-, Mbak Feby from Prisma Public Relations called me and said that I had been selected to represent ITB, and Indonesia, in the 11th HYLI in Vietnam. I was like, whaaatt?? Alhamdulillah...

November
What happened in November? Another month full of academic strikes (yea yea you know how my major could be really cruel). This month I applied in the selection for StudentsxCEOs core team, a platform where potential students coming from reputable university can have the chance to sit and share together with top Indonesian CEOs regularly. In this organization, students are expected to learn, share, and give impact in form of Microfinance Project. I had nothing to lose, to be honest. Went through document screening, FGD, and interview. On the announcement day, I was actually quite convinced that I might have a fair chance of not being selected. Scrolling through the website, I surprisingly found my name at the bottom of the page. I smiled to my pessimistic feeling afterwards :P.

December

This is my December, this is my time of the year.
- Linkin Park, My December

The last month of 2011 was filled by end of semester examinations. For two weeks straight, I had my last attempt of fixing my tralala GPA, haha. In the middle of it all, again I went to Jakarta (paid by Hitachi :P) to attend HYLI Send-off Dinner and Reunion. I got the chance to meet fellow Indonesian delegates: Mega from UGM, Ijul from UI, and Tini from Atmajaya Jakarta. Nice to meet you all!

Indonesian delegates for 11th Hitachi Young Leaders Initiative Vietnam

We got along very easily and almost effortlessly, and in the dinner we met previous Indonesian delegates for HYLI (some were graduated from university like 10 years ago). All of them are succesful people, and I pictured myself being in the same occasion years from now, telling the same or even greater success stories...I hope! Amiiin :). They were really inspiring. I also sat right in front of Hitachi Indonesia Executive Director. He was Japanese who spoke very fluent English and had travelled almost to all countries in the world. We had lively talks about Boston and Bangkok, kinda made me feeling nostalgic, haha.

In addition to all the exciting moments I’ve written above, 2011 was also a year full of “publicity” for me. Four times being displayed on the humongous (as Ikrar would put it, hahaha!) banner at the front gate of ITB campus so everyone could see it, and had my name written in several news both online and offline. I promise myself I’m not gonna stop there. I’m gonna be featured at the front gate again until all people memorize my face hahahaha *kiddy dancing with innocent smirk*

[Photos below are taken from my aunt Ema's photo album]

HNMUN 2011 - Mid February


Proficio Awards - Early February

Chandra Asri Scholarship - Mid August

JAYSES - Mid October

So basically that’s that, everything 2011 had treated me with. It was an unforgettable year, and will be treasured in my heart and mind forever. Thank you Allah SWT. Endless Alhamdulillahirabbilalamin to all the blessings You have bestowed upon me.

Leaving The House That Built Me

2011-05-13T01:46:00.000+07:00

Tomorrow's JOVED intercomp will perhaps be the last debate intercomp for me. I've calculated many possibilities for the next few years, and I suddenly came to a conclusion that I can no longer stay in the debating community. Not that I don't want to, but the burden of studying in this *poof* freaky major of mine is inevitable. I won't be able to attend debate competition anytime except on holidays, meaning: IVED and JOVED. The loss will be so damn big if I dared to join competition outside holidays. How can I study those super difficult calculations and concepts, with limited time, with constant test at least once a week (yes, test, not quizzes), while at the same time practicing debate until late at night?

Unfortunately, I'm not a type of person who can understand college subjects easily. I'm not a fast learner, as what happen in my friends' cases where they can still having extracurricular activity. Add to the cart the fact that my major's test is always that difficult. Thing is, debating drained energy, unlike most any other. It's so not convenient when you have debate practice until 10 after a 7am-6pm class and lab, while having test on one or two days later, surrounded by people who always study earlier. Well face it, man, most of the people I encounter in my everyday life don't have any other activities beside studying, himpunan, or religious prayers/service. I've seen how my major can be so cruel in torturing their students with academic burden. That's a pity, since it hampers softskill-developing activities (well sorry, my definition doesn't go in line with himpunan), but this is also a choice that I've made. A choice that I've made with partial understanding about the complications. Until know I still see that yes, I didn't have any choice, at all, at that tiniest fraction of time where my future emerged like a hatching egg.

It becomes clearer day by day that this moment will soon happen.

I thought I'd never leave debating. I've always wondered how I would live without this activity. What kind of pursuit of happiness would I go through, if it wasn't for debating? Debate was a thing I've always considered in making future plans, something that can become my most effective refreshment, a weekend sweet treat that I've always treasured. Debate was my best friend during the lowest time of my life. It was something that helped me regain strength, something that gave me hope, something that was thrilling enough to create adrenaline rush. It was a thing that led me in craving for 'avenged paradise': moments where I could show myself to the world, to the people who doubted any of my ability, to those who believed that I had to always go in the path that had been planned... that I couldn't be the change I wanted to see.

Debate has been a tool that helped me achieving achievements, even bigger and greater that I imagined when I first entered this magical world. Debate was an activity that turned me from a stammer speaker into a public speaker, where English speaking was made easy, where my fluency boosted up, grew explosively exponential. If I had not been a debater, I would have never passed HNMUN selection. I'd never have been to United States of America with 17 distinguished delegates. It was this skill that helped me in understanding world issues, it was this skill that promotes critical thinking that helped me in having broader views of everyday aspects of life. If I had not been a debater, I would have never seen things from different perspectives. I would always be a one-way thinker that's not so tolerant.

At the same time, I learned about friendship, teamwork, care, love, togetherness... every 'sense of family' that is loudly declared, jargonistically, by a militancy-based 'institution where humans are developed into humans'. Debating community is a community like no other. Despite the competitive environment where institution crushes each other, debaters always find the same characteristics that binds people together in harmony, overcoming the differences even when the differences are not tolerable by the society in general. The characteristic is best defined by, well, simply their love, devotion, masochism, whatever - to the activity of debating itself.

Through endless debate practices from morning until midnight, deadly adaptation process since I was 15, intercomps, coaching and brainstorming, discussions, gossips, love stories, precious competitions, victories, being best speaker, through debating... I've found my life.

I'm now leaving the house that built me, facing a new dimension I have hardly foreseen, to the dark and difficult times lying ahead, hoping to see a giant light at the end of the tunnel.

2010 and The Days of Being Eighteen: A Roller-Coaster of Emotion

2011-03-06T12:34:00.004+07:00

I was trapped by tight schedule and things to worry about that I forgot to write about 2010, as what I’ve always done in the past few years as a special post for my blog. Now I’ve suddenly turned 19 and I remember that I’ve been through one hell of a ride in 2010 and my previous age, 18, so I decided to mix the two periods and create this writing, a reminiscence of hardwork and strengthened faith.

2010 started with a blast. I had my first varsity level English Debate Championship and successfully, unpredictably, became the champion of The 13th Indonesian Varsities English Debate Championship, the biggest debating tournament in Indonesia. (http://id.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indonesian_Varsity_English_Debate). Months passed by, the glory days faded little by little, and I found myself depressed after lots of academic-strikes. Second semester of university life was obviously not easy. I drained lots of tears, had more than enough sleepless nights, too much coffee, and I was fed up by all shitty calculations and disgusting vectors. My everlasting indecisiveness about whether or not I should choose Chemical Engineering as my major irritates to the point of agony. I decided to take risk, and surprisingly I was eligible to enroll in Chem Eng Dept.

After IVED I made up my mind: I wouldn’t have any courage to sacrifice academic life for debating (again), so I aimed for tournaments held on holidays. I watched bitterly while my batch friends joined lots of competitions and being stronger, but I kept in mind that my GPA has to go first. Although it was not that satisfactory, but at least I got the chance to get a scholarship for one year (alhamdulillah) and had enough GPA to go for Chem Eng. However, I was offered a position as Secretary in SEF’s newly created organizational body, and I accepted it *without thinking much about the consequences haha*. I also did an impulsive leap when Danie, Miss President, told me to join National Universities English Debate Championship held by Dirjen Pendidikan Tinggi as a yet-to-be-accredited adjudicator. Little did I know that NUEDC was a tough competition and I did not have much knowledge on British Parliamentary debating, but I ended up being breaking adjudicator and was trusted to adjudicate in EFL Grand Final round J. I also got the chance to improve my skill when attending intensive practice for Java Overland Varsities English Debate Championship. It was the first time I joined a debate competition with no other girl as teammate, but it was such an honor to work with Rifan and Yosaka despite the fact that we ended up as Quarterfinalist.

The first 7 months of 2010, and at the same time the first 4 months of my 18 age, was filled with another unsuccessful love story. It was a bittersweet experience, and in one way or two, a faith-shaking one. We had smooth and steady times together and we got closer day by day, but there were always a tickling question: Quo vadis? We started calling each other names and be more open but somehow we found ourselves fell apart. It was a quite sweet fling that didn’t last, and even now we hardly see each other again. What’s left is just casual conversation and I found that I didn’t love him the way people love their lover. The feelings I used to had faded and I lived my life in confusion of entering the new, harsh, robotic, mechanistic, super-boring, and mind-boggling world of Chemical Engineering.

I’ve been hearing about my major many times, and none of them are positive. Still I don’t even know whether or not I regret my decision to enter this major at the very first place. I experienced what I’ve written –in detail- in my last post titled “Thrown Out of Throne”. The third semester was my lowest point in life although not as bad as what I had in 2007. Nothing worked out right, no pain was worth the gain, and it totally ripped off my normal life as an “I-need-more-rest-and-sleep-you-bastard” university student. I didn’t even get any chance to debate for months, and it results in a desperate exasperation.

At this point, I found a new family. I was –magically, plainly blessed by Allah SWT- accepted as one of 17 delegates of ITB Delegation for Harvard National Model United Nations 2011. I was excited and honored to be one of them. Being a PIC Training for my HNMUN mates: arranging the training, materials, and schedule, was not an easy job, but I effortlessly enjoyed it. I remember the hard times seeking for any sponsorship deals...uncertainty, misery, rejections.. I remember the struggle with my financial mates: Iji and Mac who turn to be the best and most supportive financial mates ever. I remember printing research materials, making punishment essay, and all those training stuffs. I remember meetings talking about the whole issue of our journey, Mita’s home which eventually became our basecamp, a place where we had laughter and tears, the moment of true friendship when we were scared applying visa to US Embassy and had a great deal of fun at Grand Indonesia afterwards. Our intensive training, the joint training that I didn’t attend, endless mail on mailing list, and lots of things.

At around The Holy Month, I started having a kind of another special friendship with another guy. Things went quite well and we found out that we were really fond of each other. He was there when I was pushed back and forth by my major, by osjur, by endless test and quizzes. He was the one where I could run to at those times: providing the care and comfort I needed the most. Leaning an open mind and open ear when I endlessly bitching over my life, my life, my life. It was bad that I let him hear only about unpleasant things, but he thought it was a piece of cake and although his words were cheesy and shallow and fishy, but at that vulnerable point, I was literally swayed.

2010 ended with a clearly busy year-end holiday. I was the person in charge for HNMUN intensive training, although I was quite relieved because I got relatively big amount of sponsorship from PT PUSRI (Holding). It was sufficient enough to fulfill 60-70% of my needs and I really thank Bapak Reza for it J. I was also dared enough to join IVED 2011 intensive training as a yet-to-be adjudicator, despite the arguments with mom about financial matter when I wanted to had accreditation at IVED Makassar, which was quite costly, and mom wanted me to prioritize my next USA Trip first. The world was spinning at the right axis, thank God. I received the sponsorship money, secured my USA trip, boarded a plane for the first time and visited Sulawesi for the first time also, got A accreditation and was trusted to adjudicate in Grand Final Round with a panel of adjudicators consists of seniors. It was an undoubtedly great experience.

My last months of 18 years old was filled with a balance of bad and good times. I was thrilled by my HNMUN journey and in a very short circumstances before my departure, I discovered the real truth about someone I thought I could believe in. Yes, the chick-flick guy I wrote earlier. Turns out that all his sweet words and acts and affections and deadly poisonous rainbow candies were all fake. I almost arrived to a conclusion that he’d never loved me anyway, while I was falling slowly into his trap, his spider web. Oh, what an irony! But then my departure time came, and I left my unrequited love in Indonesia, flew to United States, to a concrete jungle where dreams are made.

It really helped. I ignored every attempt to contact him first in any sort of communication. I let myself healed instantly by the pouring snow and distinguished delegates J. The journey was a great deal of fun. The conference loaded me with new insights about the world’s decision making process, and the whole trip was just plainly amazing. When you have 17 fantastic people to travel with, life can never be flat. And galau was obviously out of place. Returning to Indonesia, I found evidence that further encourages me to believe that that particular person was simply jerk, and I left him happily although he continued to ignite the flame of hope, awaking greedy monster that hungers for affection inside me. I am now a more mature person. A happier one. I’m more ready to face whatever life has for me in store.

I can feel the betterment in every blood drops running inside my vein.

And suddenly I turn 19. Nineteen. The last year of being a teenager. I’ve gone through many lessons of life and am eager to learn more.

Thrown Out of Throne

2010-12-10T00:35:00.006+07:00

It's been ages since I last wrote a blogpost. I've lost my sense and style of writing without actually seek some ways to get those skills back. Quite a shame, really.

So you might wonder why this post's titled "Thrown Out of Throne". That title just popped into my mind. Catchy, sarcastic (?), and somehow fits with what I planned to write.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sole reason why I don't write for so long -and why I don't have any decent social life for these past 5 months- is my academic pursuit in Chemical Engineering Dept., ITB. I'm not in my exaggerating mode. I have the full right to blame my major for every unsocial activity these days. Call me whiny, but I think I've said it right.

I entered this major with a partial understanding of how the life of a ChemEng student at ITB would be. I anticipated about antisocial people, people who love to crush their own friends, limited chance of relaxing, or less chance to involve in other campus activities, mainly SEF. But I never imagined how entering this major really means something other than that.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was a smart student. This, I think, is a perfect intro to the bulk of this writing. I never got out of Top 5 students in class ever since I was in elementary school. And to note, I only stucked in 5th rank once, 4th rank twice or thrice, the rests are 1st-3rd, mainly 1st in high school, a balance of 1st and 2nd in junior high. To further note, I've always studied in the best schools in town filled with other smart students. Kinda get the picture of how it went on?

So I flawlessly went to Institut Teknologi Bandung, just like everyone expected. I felt great to study in the best engineering education Indonesia can provide. I really thought I deserved this. I was an arrogant eagle trying to show myself to the world, that hey, I'm great, and I'm gonna be even greater here.

Thus it came to me that life in ITB would never be easy. I saw so many intelligent people in my faculty. Most of them wanted to enter ChemEng, which had the highest GPA requirement in ITB. I don't know why, but since a little kid I've always been obsessed with getting the best my hands can get on, so in addition to parents' consent, my obsession also goes with ChemEng.

I was not a stupid person in FTI-A. my former class. I was an above average student. Being only "above average" made me mad either. I was disappointed with myself. I've had times of lamenting over the degradation... tears and curse just matched perfectly well, I guess.

Shortly, I entered Chemical Engineering, with GPA that nearly crossed the lower limit... I was probably one of the latest people to be placed here.

Now you see, I'm dwelling in the nest of genius. Everywhere I look, there's the most prominent students of every class at Faculty of Industrial Technology. Everyone I mingle with does have brain that could pass high school national examination with straight A. There are more than 1 person who got their GPA 4 out of 4. Almost everyone were eggheads in their history of education. But the worse thing is, I see robots everyday.

It might be just my opinion, but really, my major sucks.

Simple thing like twitter tweets tell it all. You won't miss the word "study" in ChemEng students' facebook or twitter page. You may even find someone whose tweets are 90% about studying. Lecturers make everything worse by constantly giving exams. I had my first mid-term exam (UTS) on the third week of new semester. I had two mid-term exams before Ied, and after Ied break I always had at least one UTS per week, with a rapidly escalating level of difficulty. It's insane, people. It's truly insane. I never dreamed of something so stressing and pressing like this. Furthermore, when you see people around you study like studying is their religion, or it's simply a thing that makes them BREATH, you'll surely feel like you live in the most static world this universe can bring you in.

At the top of it, all of these are, actually, the culture of this major.

I was shocked.

I didn't enter ChemEng to become a lifeless person. I didn't enter ChemEng to see super individualistic people occupies most of my time (throw away the jargons of "unity", almost everybody is THAT individualistic here). I didn't enter ChemEng to mingle with FREAKS. That was never my intention.

People seems to be great by writing "Semangat!" when replying your tweets or wish you "get well soon" to your sick status on facebook, but they never go further than that. They crave for A, that's all. They say they didn't understand about the materials before exams, they say things like, "aduh gue pusing banget iya ya ampun ga ngerti lagi gue ga ada obat", and turns out that their scores're excellent. They said they wanted to help each other. They said they would share their knowledge. It was only sweet words for the seniors. Where are those brainy shiny bright minds when they know exactly that their friends, or family, they said in osjur, are in desperate need of help to understand the lesson? Where are they, when the volleyball team needed extra support and suddenly there was an announcement of Mathematical Analysis exam the day before? Where are the "togetherness", when small factions have been created and don't go in the same line? Why are they so selective in making friends, or merely working group! Why are they indirectly telling that "If you're not smart enough, I'd rather not be your friend..."? Where are the "solidarity" that was loudly declared?

Lies.

Student Organization doesn't help. Personally for me, my himpunan has too many agendas. Agendas that, knowingly or not, force people to stay in just one community. Meetings are commencing like discounts on year-end sale, almost everyday. Everyone is "expected, by means of making it compulsory" to give their highest contribution to the events scheduled. At one time, I was thinking, "Finally I know why my major has been described by ITB people as nothing other than antisocial. We are literally robots in studying, most of us blind about the world issues or just simply too ignorant, in our leisure time we're occupied by agendas in himpunan, and other vacant hours are too precious to be spent by not sleeping".

A short conversation with Dani, SEF ITB President's, come to my mind now,

"That's the consequence...You chose to stay in that community. "

"I don't want it to go like this, Dan. But I don't have any other option"

I hardly ever attend any debate practice this semester, which also add some pepper to the already spicy dish. I wasn't really involved in the selection process. I didn't know about the newbies' improvement, I didn't become trainer, I didn't join Saturday training, something that I actually treasure. I haven't opened indodebaters for centuries. All of the blames goes to my major, a major that forced their followers to stay-at-home-reading-thick-books-or-else-you'll-fail.

I'm tired of constantly trying to fit in the environment I don't like. To think that I'll spend around 2.5 years more with this kind of world irritates me to the bone.

Let's hope none of those annoying people enter Bioprocess as their sub-major. Please God I don't wanna meet people who only prioritize their own interest without helping each other except their small, exclusive groups. Please Lead me in dealing with all these things. Please Make me better in organizing my time. Please make me feel blessed.

Please Enlighten me, Allah Subhanahuwata'ala.

Rambling

2010-09-13T21:59:00.011+07:00

Sometimes I wish I was somebody else.

What sort of life would I have if I was born in a family of farmers...like in Harvest Moon?

I'd go milking goat or cow everyday, feed chicken, plant cucumber, harvest some turnips, searching for seeds... I'd go around the small town, going down from the hills to the beach. I'd watch the waterfall, enjoy the silence and relax with butterflies around. I wouldn't meet individualistic people, because all of them are great friends to another. There would be no need of joining any ospek, for the friendship and trust grows naturally. Any kind of ospek, with all its jargons about making a family tie and sense of togetherness won't do.

I won't need any complicated calculations to solve, while I myself don't really understand the real application of those vectors, differentials, and integrals. What I'd know would only be how season changes, what to prepare when each season comes, what seed to buy, when to join cooking competition in the downtown, at what time I should get up and go to supermarket, and yada yada. I'd learn in a real life. I'd have my own realistic lab activity. Won't need any assistant to tell me what to do. Won't have any journal to make except a dialy journal. A diary.

I wouldn't mind about getting much money in a short time. I'd love what I do, and I'd live happily. I wouldn't be forced to work in oil and gas company. I'd have and directly practice my own way of living. I would be friends with the environment rather than destroy it.

I'd meet another happy person who'd stay with me for the rest of my life. We'd meet by magic, as if the universe conspires to make us understand each other. Divorce rate in that town won't be that high anyway. We'd make friends with animals and vegetables until we're grown old and weak, smiling together in a small house we built from nothing. We'd watch our children grow and perhaps would send them to a big city to get proper education...

Big city...

A virtue of dream. A glamorous-unhealthy-greedy-evil lifestyle, yet many people wants it badly like ripe fruits from a tree of forever.

Humans can never be satisfied with what they've got. We'd always want more. We fail to see the beauty of our current state. We keep on asking for better life without knowing whether or not this life is actually the best. We keep on whining, trash-talking with friends on twitter, stalking people's latest gossip on facebook, making fun of others without respecting their privacy, putting too much information on the net until others don't have to find out anymore..we lose the sensation, having negative thoughts fueled into mind, creating many and more masks until we forget who we really are.

We're too much concentrating on how to fit in, rather than to stand up.

We....or at least me.

I am a devastated meadow field. A messed up creature blinded by past glory. A girl that finds it hard to move on, to stand up and being outstanding. A stubborn mind resisting change in the comfort zone.

And a lousy-drowsy person who decided to mock herself in the middle of the night.

HNMUN :)

2010-09-02T23:32:00.004+07:00

Alhamdulillah. Harvard, I’m coming!

Special thanks to: Allah SWT., Mom, Dad, Twin Bro, and my dear friends everywhere around the globe. :)

Wish me luck!

In Search of Truth

2010-08-17T13:08:00.000+07:00

I dream of having faith without fear.

I dream of doing everything my religion tells me to based on unconditional love, not based on fear of being burnt in hell.

I dream of having true reason of why I do sholat, why I fast, why I read Al-Qur’an, instead of running all those routines because it’s a culture I’ve accustomed to for my whole life. Because that’s the life I’ve been living in. So do my parents’, my brother’s, my family’s.

I dream of finally do sholat five times a day because I need it, because I love doing it, not because I have to do it.

I dream that someday I’ll understand why religions clash with each other, why we have war, why we have propaganda, why we can’t tolerate others, and most importantly why we have to be separated by our different religions if the core of the teaching is the same.

My faith is shaking, and I don’t know why.

My prayers are flat. They’re soul-less. The kind of helpless words I mouthed without commitment, without learning the essence. The kind of shout I try to soften.

I miss being close to God, whatever names you and I call it. I miss having a feeling that someone up there actually cares for me, that God actually exists. How can we be sure that everything we’ve learned in our religion is actually true? It is true because we are told that it is true. There’s no room for discussions, because religion in itself is portrayed as rigid, unchangeable, uncompromisable. At the end of the day the ultimate decision is whether you believe or not. If you do, then don’t question. If you don’t, leave, and face all the social repercussions as the consequence.

Do you fear God?

I fear sin.

I fear infidelity.

Why do we have to fear God? God is supposed to be a perfect and humble entity who smiles and gives a sense of peace. The dualism of God’s role confuses me. When I get hurt, or had an accident, people say “It’s a punishment from God. You are not well-mannered. You have to fix your attitude. Go, go to Mosque right now and try for some remorse, seek for salvation so you can escape this agony”.

Why is God so fearful if God’s supposed to be loved?

Why am I forced to believe in what I believe?

I’m writing this in a full conscience. I’m writing this in The Holy Month my people celebrate. I’m writing this under the condition of believing in Islam.

I’m not gonna change my faith. Not gonna be an atheist, not gonna be any other theistic believer. I just need something, someone, some signs, to ensure me that what I believe is true; that what I have to do is not actually forced upon me but because I choose; that I understand what and who God is.

I wanna know what’s the meaning of believing.

Braga!

2010-07-07T20:21:00.003+07:00

Kemaren (Selasa, 6 Juli) aku menjelajah Braga dan sekitarnya sama Darwin&Pandu. Awalnya sih gara2 aku ngomentarin Darwin yg baru pertama kali pergi ke BSM selama ngekos di Bandung. Muncul ide buat jalan2 ngelilingin Bandung, terutama Braga karena banyak bangunan tuanya. FYI, selama 14 taun aku tinggal di Bandung baru sekarang loh menjelajahi Braga (HAHA, NGERAKEUN), sementara Darwin yg orang Jakarta aja terakhir jalan ke Braga waktu SMA. Udah gitu kita ngajakin Pandu, akhirnya cabut deh.

Rencananya sih mau ketemu jam 8, tapi akhirnya berangkat jam 9 dari ITB. Hehe. *ngaret forever*. Karena masih rada pagi, jadi belom terlalu banyak mobil ato motor lewat di Braga-nya. Tapi tetep aja pas kita foto-foto, hasilnya gak ada yg bener! Ahaha.

Aku + Pandu = MEREM. Zzzzz.

Aku + Darwin = Funny expressions! Eh sebenernya Darwinnya kobe sih, akunya aja yg ga bener hahaha.

Setelah foto-foto geje di depan bangunan tua terlantar, tujuan selanjutnyaaa makan es krim! Terus nyari-nyari si restoran Sumber Hidangan (Het Snoephuis) hasil research di situs2 backpacker. Ga ketemu! Tapi dapet banyak foto lucu, bangunan-bangunan Belanda gitu.

Modernization is inevitable

Notice something? Bank Victoria. Syariah. So should we implement Sharia law in Britain? Ahaha.

I really heart this photo :)

dan akhirnya kita nyasar ke Museum KAA. Berasa anak sekolahan lagi belajar sejarah. Zzzz. Eh, tapi ternyata sekarang udah bagus loh, gak kayak dulu waktu aku kesana rame-rame pas SD.

Si bapak-bapak penjaganya ngira kita serombongan gitu, terus pas ditanya,

"Dari mana?"

"ITB pak"

"Berapa rombongan?"

"Ermm.. cuma bertiga kok pak"

"Oh cuma bertiga ya hahaha, jarang-jarang cuma sedikitan gini"

Hem. aslinya sih ga boleh moto-moto di dalem gedung KAA itu, tapi aku cuek aja sebelum akhirnya ditegur ama bapak-bapaknya. Hehehe.

Terus ada Gong Perdamaian Asia-Afrika gitu, dan udah ada bendera Kyrgyzstan! Jadi sejatinya kita harus partition Kyrgyzstan ato nggak? #sokasiksendiri #sindrommenjelanglombadebat #stresmauJOVED #garagarapreparedmotionsgarelo

Abis dari museum KAA, secara ajaib kita nemuin si Sumber Hidangan setelah nanya-nanya di toko buku antik. Saking bersyukurnya nemuin restoran itu, aku lupa ngefoto es krim tutti fruttinya yang enak banget tapi agak keset kayak pasir hm, jadi aku ngambil foto es krim spesialnya dari situs orang hehehe.

(courtesy http://images.ervita.multiply.com/image/1/photos/176/500x500/10/es-krim-jadul-spesial-sumber-hidangan.JPG?et=PnXaQUPInTZ8FK7vKBDYAA&nmid=276175759)

Btw, es krim tutti frutti yg aku pesen itu 8 ribu. Worth lah, banyak buahnya lagi. Apalagi itu es krim pake resep asli nenek moyang zaman Belanda. Oh iya disini juga dijual babi, jadi yg Muslim dan mau makan berat ya agak hati-hati aja.

One thing we really wished, tho. Coba aja penataan restorannya lebih apik dan direnov sedikit (dinding sama atepnya udah agak buluk gara2 jamur ama lumut), pasti lebih bagus lagi. Terus PAPAN NAMA RESTORANNYA! Kecil banget gila, kalo gak nanya sama orang ato cuma ngeliat dari seberang jalan, gak akan tau deh. Oiya, disini juga accidentally ketemu Akmal (temen sekelas di FTI A) yg lagi hunting foto. What a small world we're living in!

Abis dari Sumber Hidangan, kita ngesot sedikit ke Braga Permai yang dulu jadi tempat pacaran ortunya Pandu, hahaha. Tadinya dikirain bakal mahal, dan emang mahal -__-. Tapi lagi ada promo gitu, ada paket-paket yg harganya 10 ribu-20 ribu. Guess what? Paket yg aku pesen, ada nasi+sop buntut+ice lemon tea+choice of cake, cuma 15 ribu. NETT! Gak usah bayar pajak lagi. Paket yg dipesen Darwin ama Pandu ada Beef stroganoff+nasi+coca cola+es krim, cuma 20 ribu nett. EXQUISITE AND HIGH CLASS TASTE! Kita sampe bingung sendiri kenapa tu restoran gak begitu rame, padahal menurut si bapak pelayannya udah sekitar 3-6 bulanan gitu promonya. Harusnya dia pasang spanduk gede kek ato apa, padahal di seberangnya ada Wendy's, which is relatively jauh lebih rame.

Abis dari Braga Permai, 3 anak udik ini akhirnya kembali ke kehidupan modern alias jalan-jalan ke Braga City Walk FOR THE FIRST TIME. Ckckckck. Daaann ada sale gitu di toko sportswear, ada sepatu converse diskon 80% jadi 50 ribu doang. Too bad it has prints on it yg gw gak gitu suka. Akhirnyaaa gw impulsively bought jaket rajutan 80 ribu di TanCha. ERRRGGHHH. IMPULSIVE! IMPULSIVE! Retaaarrrddd!

maaf ya ngambil dari situs orang, hehehe.

Abis dari Braga City Walk (those two boys were laughing at me being so easy at buying things and proud of themselves, being able to persuade me buying it -__-) kita JALAN nyari angkot. Satu-satunya angkot yg aku tau bisa ke dago cuma Stasion-Dago, jadi jalanlah kita ke depan SMKN 1. Huaaa, berasa SD Banjarsari lagi deh pas ngeliat kotamadya. Keliatan 'trek lari' aku waktu SD, terus lapangan kosong yg suka dipake anak cowo maen bola, tempat aku ngeceng (anak SD laleutik geus beger!).

Angkot stasion dagonya penuh teruuuuss! Sebel. Akhirnya kita pengen jalan aja ke deket BIP, tapi di tengah perjalanan si Pandu mau ke BEC. Yaudah akhirnya ke BEC.

Di BEC we heard news kalo anak-anak yg lagi pada lomba di BIND, Binus Intl Senayan, KALAAAAAHHH di semifinal. HUKS. Padahal 2 out of 3 teams broke to the elimination round. :((. Aku ama Darwin langsung ketar-ketir gitu, seeing the turning down "roller coaster" yang mungkin kami alamin di JOVED UI, akhir Juli ntar. HOPE NOT. AMIN.

Dari BEC, kita ke Hypermart. Alesannya? Pandu mau beli gel rambut zzz #cowozamansekarangmetroseksual. Tapi akhirnya malah nemenin Darwin belanja cemilan dan makanan. Haha. Abis itu JALAN ke superindo dago, despite Pandu's groan :P. Tadinya mau ke Yoghurt Cisangkuy, tapi udah pada cape. Synchronically, (haha bahasa apa ini) aku ketemu mama dooonggg di Superindo! Akhirnya aku pulang bareng mama, Darwin ke kosannya di DU, Pandu ke kosannya di Tubagus. And the walk was officially ended!

btw, seneng ya jalan sama cowok-cowok. Merasa aman :D. Kalo nyebrang aku di tengah, dan pas hujan dipayungin. Haha.

Thanks for a great day, boys!

the ex-president and ex-treasurer! and now I'm the secretary.

Klise

2010-06-26T22:07:00.001+07:00

Memangnya siapa yang benar-benar mengerti cinta?

Penjelasan logis macam apa yang bisa menjelaskan mengapa kita terus-menerus jatuh di tempat yang sama untuk hal yang sama? Aku tidak mengerti mengapa saat aku merasa begitu tersakiti sehingga berkata tidak ingin mencintai lagi, justru proses mencintai itu terasa berjalan dengan mulus, seolah tanpa cela. Seakan-akan seluruh komponen alam semesta berusaha menjerumuskanku. Lebih anehnya lagi, aku menerimanya dengan tangan terbuka, dengan senyuman, dengan harapan bahwa segalanya akan menjadi lebih baik dari sebelumnya. Segala konsekuensi atas keteledoran itu telah terbentang dan terasa sangat familier, tapi semuanya dimentahkan oleh kata hati yang bertindak sebagai pemimpin yang sangat salah di saat-saat seperti ini.

Tidak ada yang bisa benar-benar diharapkan dari senyuman dan sapaan biasa. Gesture yang sangat alami dan tidak perlu dilebih-lebihkan. Sedikit tambahan bumbu "Good night, sleep well" yang langsung mengaktifkan rasa aneh entah darimana. Mengapa ketika jatuh cinta, segala hal yang ia ucapkan, lakukan, perlihatkan terasa sempurna, seakan ia memiliki daya tarik magis terhadap semua keindahan?

Satu hal yang sangat kupahami adalah aku tidak pernah berhenti berharap. Masa bodoh bahwa pengharapan itu menyakitkan, bahwa aku memiliki kesadaran penuh terhadap kandasnya kisah ini di masa depan, yang aku yakin akan terjadi. Apa gunanya melawan perasaan bahagia bila itu bisa mengkompensasi apa yang terjadi sesudahnya, sebelumnya, atau periode-periode kosong penuh kebimbangan? Perlukah lagi penolakan atas rasa yang jelas-jelas menjalar ke seluruh saraf?

Aku ingin berpikiran selayaknya orang waras yang bisa berpikir jernih selamanya, tanpa irasionalitas yang hanya bisa ditimbulkan oleh cinta. Terlalu banyak spekulasi dan kesalahan yang menyakitkan, terlalu banyak ruang abu-abu yang tidak bisa ditembus akal sehat, terlalu banyak derai air mata maupun seringaian akibat tusukan ke-sekian. Mereka yang tidak bisa mencintai dan sanggup melawan segala bentuk penetrasi itu adalah orang-orang hebat dengan hati batu. Tapi mungkin hidup tidak akan sama lagi bagiku seandainya aku menjadi salah satu diantara mereka. Jadi buat apa mengeluh?

Karena aku lelah, tolol. Aku lelah atas fakta betapa sulitnya mencari pasangan sejati. Begitu banyak halangan yang timbul saat aku merasa telah menemukan orang yang tepat, padahal standar 'tepat' itu sendiri berubah-ubah seiring bertambahnya usiaku. Beda agama, beda umur, beda pendidikan, beda gaya hidup, beda ini, beda itu. Dan yang paling penting, ia tidak mencintaiku. Habis perkara.

Teknik Kimia

2010-06-17T01:10:00.003+07:00

Alhamdulillah, akhirnya dapet juga jurusan. Hehe.

So, Chemical Engineering it is. I can't explain how I feel. Curious? Anxious? I don't know. I'm happy, yes, but at the same time I have too many questions, predictions, and skepticism inside my head.

I guess I'll just live my life. I'm truly convinced that this is the best way given by Allah SWT. I won't waste this chance. I hope I'll be much better that I've had been before. :)

Alhamdulillah.

ugh, I kinda lost my style of writing. I need to write more, I guess. :)

What's Left: Memories

2010-06-04T10:13:00.006+07:00

Keep the pictures, they don't change. Only the people in them do.

#TLS

His Advice

2010-05-08T11:01:00.000+07:00

My twin brother successfully made me cry. I know he’s such a good person to talk to, but damn it, I never know he’s also an excellent philosopher. He sees life in colorful ways instead of seeing it in black and white as I do. And I thank God that I have him in my life.

He was quite angry with me cause he knew I wasn’t gonna accept his words instantly. He was super patient when he listened to my explanation, while I was such a spoiled crybaby. I know this is a very old-fashioned problem… I’ve tried so many approaches to solve it, yet it comes again and again.

His words were also heart-stabbing. He pointed out my weakness with effective words and I was speechless in a flick of time.

“You know what? You’re selfish. You think you’re perfect and what makes you imperfect is your surrounding environment—that’s why you keep on blaming others for your own fault”.

“Life in itself is not something that you can change. It never is, it never will. Constraints are there, every time. There’s nothing that you can do except changing yourself to be more suitable with what it demands. You gotta learn that God has never been rude or unfriendly to you. When you curse God, has God ever struck you with lightning, instantly? God is forgiving. If God’s an ordinary human, God won’t accept it when you mock. You do realize that you need God, yet you still whine about some unclear stuffs?”

“It is always your choice—whether you want to be successful or not. There’s no such thing as ‘parent’s demand’ or ‘it is the only way’ or ‘i’ve got used to do that, therefore i don’t have any choice’. Who choose to live? Who choose to die? Who choose to kill himself? Who choose to get into good schools? If parents say you should take this major, you can always choose not to get into. You can, and face its own consequences. Who told you to believe in religion? Who says you cannot be a Buddhist or Christian or Catholic or atheist? You’re living your own world. Nobody can or has ever taken it away from you”.

“When you say you’ve tried your best but don’t get the best score, do you really know what is the parameter of something being said as ‘best’? Do you really know that you’ve learned those chapters until its upper limit? Do you know what others do to reach their ‘best’? Frankly, you don’t. You have that nature to tell the world how hardworking you are, and try to justify that bad result by saying that life has treated you wrong once again. Then you’ll crumble yourself in despair. Then you say you’re giving up. Then you curse. Then you get angry to people around you. Then you start to blame your noisy home or why you don’t live on your own just like your friends. You’re running out of reality, but you are going to go back and face that horrible monster again. Like it or not. Imagine a glass. You said you’ve done your best to fill it halfway. Do you think life would be as easy as saying that you can stop there, without filling it up until it’s full? What does that mean? It means YOUR BEST IS NOT ENOUGH. Go ahead and stop, you may. But that won’t get you anywhere”.

“You know what’s the most effective way to deal with problems? Keep on striving. You know perfectly well that a little effort may result in a much better way rather than doing nothing, at all. Full stop.”

“You’re not going to say that this—your life—is something that you should accept plainly. You accept that it’s unfair and start hoping that you can change the world. Wrong. World cannot be changed, it lives and works and turns in its own pace. In the way it desires. Yes damn right it’s a bitch. Prove that you can be better than what it demands to just stay alive. That way, you can reach your goal of conquering the world. At least the world of your own”.

“There’s this simple equation.

Maximum Effort + X Factors = Maximum Result

We’ve talked about maximum efforts. You know what X Factors are? It is God’s will. It is parents’ silent cry in midnight when they pray for you in their prayers. It is the support you get from family and friends. Be thankful for that. You’ve never asked them directly or forced them to do that, have you? They do it based on their own wish. Be thankful for their countless love for you. You don’t know how much you are loved”.

And after that he left me alone, saying “Now think about it”. I was crying inside out.

But I’ve made a promise not to be the same person over and over again. It’s time to learn the lesson.

Stand on your own feet, and get up even when others can’t.

Not As Easy As It Seemed

2010-05-01T01:18:00.002+07:00

Gw baru aja ngeliat facebooknya temen gw, anak 2010. Dia keterima FTI ITB beberapa minggu lalu. His status is typical, just like mine one year ago. “Terima kasih kepada bla bla bla, orang tua tercinta, Tuhan YME, etc”. Terus dia bilang mau masuk Teknik Kimia, kalo nggak Teknik Industri. Standar banget.

Ngeliat ade-ade angkatan 2010, gw jadi inget setaun lalu. Setaun lalu gw sombong setengah mati, meskipun cuma ke diri sendiri. Ngerasa hebat karena berhasil masuk ITB. ‘ITB gitu loh’. Ngalahin beribu-ribu orang yang pengen masuk ke kampus ini, ngerasain aura kampus yang udah banyak ngehasilin orang sukses ini. Waktu awal masuk gw tenang-tenang aja ngeset target IP minimal 3.8, lulus cum laude 3.5 taun, jadi asisten dosen, masuk dean list, ikut proyek, jadi entrepreneur, jadi adjudicator ter-oke dari ITB, jadi debater hebat, jadi coach assistant SEF 3, berkontribusi sama masyarakat, dan masih banyak lagi yang ada di list gue. Gw waktu itu optimis2 aja, yang ada di pikiran gw “Gw kan pinter, langganan ranking terus tiap taun dari SD, gampanglah kuliah di ITB ga akan susah-susah amat. Oh iya, manajemen waktu gw kan bagus banget, waktu kelas 2 aja mau debat mau sekolah dua-duanya jalan”. Mahasiswa baru, maklumlah…

Sekarang?

IP 3.8? Mimpi kalee. Sampe jungkir-balik gw usaha disini tetep aja susah dapet nilai A. IP perdana gw bahkan di bawah 3.5. Pontang-panting nguber pelajaran, berkutat dengan buku-buku overweight macem Mbah Purcell, Kang Halliday, dan Mas Brady, kuliah dari pagi jam 7 pulang ke rumah (minimal) jam 7 lagi, praktikum gak bisa asal-asalan kayak waktu SMA, ngerem di labkim aja 4 jam. Mau jadi mahasiswa cum laude? Masuk dean list? Beneran deh, udah gak kepikiran lagi. Naekin IP aja udah sukur. Jadi asisten dosen? Gak kebayang gimana caranya. Lingkungan gw saat ini, dan beberapa tahun ke depan, sangat kompetitif. Gw merasa gw benar-benar ada di sarangnya orang pintar, dan gw sama sekali gak bohong atau melebih-lebihkan. Temen-temen gw yang deket sama gw sekarang aja, semuanya berkisah hidup kurang lebih sama ama gw: langganan ranking dari SD. Apa coba yang bisa gw banggain?

Masuk Teknik Kimia susah nyet, nangis-nangis gw labil dan galau gara-gara mau nentuin pilihan doang. Sekarang udah lillahita’ala, apapun yang dikasih sama Allah semoga adalah yang terbaik untuk gw, amin. Manajemen waktu gw ancur parah nyong, entah apakah ada dilatasi waktu antara kehidupan nyata dan kehidupan tidak nyata, karena rasanya waktu terbang sangat cepet sejak gw disini (meh, I don’t even know what’s real).

Oh iya, selama gw di sini juga gw belom pernah jadi adju di satu lomba debat pun. Gw masih butuh banyak latihan, baik sebagai adju maupun sebagai debater. And, hmm, gw udah gak mempertimbangkan ngelatih SEF 3 seandainya Uphie ‘mangkat’. Gak ada waktu! Plus anak-anaknya makin kesini menye-menye, jadi bikin males.

Singkatnya, hampir semua so-called “mimpi” gw pada saat gw jadi mahasiswa baru ITB belum ada yang bisa gw realisasikan.

Ngewujudin mimpi itu susah. Apalagi disini, dimana semua orang punya mimpi yang sangat beragam…dan kemampuan yang oke punya untuk mewujudkannya. Tapi bagi gw, mimpi yang gw rangkai-rangkai dulu itu cukup manis kok, sebagai reminder supaya gw selalu semangat untuk jadi manusia yang lebih baik.

Gw gak nyesel masuk ITB. Segimanapun stresnya gw menjalani hidup disini, udah bisa masuk sini pun adalah sebuah anugrah yang luar biasa. Gw udah dikasih amanah yang sangat berat sama Allah SWT, sekarang tinggal gimana gw menjaga amanah itu.

Hello, sweet dream, glowing inside a halo of hope.

Tumblr

2010-04-24T18:47:00.002+07:00

I'm actively updating my tumblr. I made this tumblr 1.5 years ago, actually. :D

Feel free to visit my other trash of emotions. :)

Years, and No More

2010-04-04T21:25:00.000+07:00

Unbelievable - I thought it’s gonna be very surprising when the time comes, yet I just feel like erasing the very last cinder. So fast, so-without-pain process, finally… the end of all those sweet stories, and years of crazy fantasies.

I don’t believe that it comes to an end, finally! Oh, God, FINALLY! The uncertainty, stupidity, and instability…the immortal guess and speculations! I can no longer hope, I can no longer dream, for the dream has decided to fly away. Never will it disturb my sleeps anymore. Never will I keep wishing. Never will I cling to the fake hope. And the most important part: the process. Going undetected, unpredictable, mysterious! I have no denial at all right now, it’s a full acceptance, not even a single tear or laughter. Flat, just like ‘something’ has never been ‘something’. Steady, as if I’ve been well-prepared.

No good words, no. I won’t be bothered to give any prayer. It just doesn’t impress me much…quite honestly I’m not very satisfied with the choice. I mean, after all these years? And nothing even close to what I expected?

Anyway, the most fascinating thing still lingers in my mind: why is this my reaction? Of all my biggest disappointments, I thought when the time comes I will undergo a breakdown experience? Well…only God knows why.

As the love and admiration fade, and what stays is only awkwardness as a fruit of “I’ve got used to this condition”, the path becomes clear. And I’m thankful for that. It’s enough nurturing the seeds, for the seeds will never grow into beautiful flowers…nah, now I know.

An Interesting Slap

2010-03-20T00:56:00.003+07:00

My previous post was a clear reflection of anger. While we're at it, I found something interesting. It slaps me right in time.

Taken from: http://jubileefarm.blogspot.com/2009/10/awakening.html

A time comes in your life when you finally get… when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out… ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world, and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just like food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Author Unknown

I'm Sorry, God. I'm Angry, God.

2010-03-19T22:42:00.003+07:00

If this situation continues, if all efforts and expectations don't match the result, if prayers are not granted, and if wishes don't come true, I can't think of any other way to pursue happiness.
--Me

Earlier this semester I had a serious determination to fix my GPA. It wasn't that bad, actually...but in order to enter Chemical Engineering, it surely wasn't enough. Stands in the borderline of "yes" and "no", I daresay. I tried to find all the mistakes I've done in the first semester, dig up "causes" and designed a new way of learning. I realized that nothing would turn good if I stayed the same, so I made some changes in the hope that I'd reach a better level of understanding of the lessons.

I started "the revolutionary road" by examining my biggest weakness: physics. One or two weeks after IVED, I "tagged" one my debate friend, Darwin Xie, to teach me about this field. He is majoring in electrical engineering, which is perfect because I'm gonna study about electric current, magnetic fields and all of those modern physics stuffs this semester. I was really happy to have him as my "private teacher", cause he provided new, deeper insights on those chapters and he really helped me to understand the basics needed for dealing with complicated problems. In addition, my former BlackBerry-addict lecturer, Mr. *censored* was replaced by Dr. Alamta, who turns out to be THE BEST PHYSICS LECTURER EVER. He's SUPER KIND and PATIENT, he writes on blackboard instead of explaining with PowerPoint slide, and he teaches with all his heart! I thought, with the combination of all these elements, I'd have a magnificent physics final score. For the first time in my life, I could really say I like physics.

Several days before the first physics mid-semester exam, I was in a hectic mode. I've already understood the basics, something which is very rare..thanks to Darwin. I still needed to examine some other problems and tutorials before I feel ready. On Wednesday, I had about full 4 hours physics evening with my FTI friends and a genius of School of Electrical Engineering and Informatics, Rido. Again I was very lucky to be taught by such expert, particularly a super patient and bound-to-basics-and-simple-solutions kind of person. I was really confident that I'd get a good score in the Friday test.

The night before Friday, I spent my time reading all of Dr. Alamta's lecture that I wrote during classes. I read about capacitors, I even tried to differentiate many of the equations by myself. I tried to master the applications of Gauss' Law and flux thingy, and I stayed up late. I spent Friday morning learning from Bundel Soal Gamais, turned down about 8-10 problems, read Surah Yaasiin and went to campus with a glimmer of hope.

I was very confident. I didn't feel any nervousness whatsoever. I ate milk chocolate before going. I wasn't in any way being stressful.

It was actually going to be a wonderful Friday evening, if only the expectations I've set became real.

What happened? I don't know! I read the first question: coulomb's law combined with electric field. Easy trick. But then, I was puzzled by all the shitty vectors and scattered, disgusting calculations then I didn't manage to get any expected, normal result. Groaned, I moved to the 2nd question. OH. MY. GOD. Just damn identical with Dr. Alamta's lecture! Calculating total flux in a block. I thought it was going to be easy. I really thought it was. I was even smiling. Again, shitty vectors! I miscalculated the direction, and it turned out to be A BIG ZERO. The 2b and 2c questions were automatically left answered with BIG ZERO.

Third question was about capacitors with dielectric parts being put in. Shit, it's supposed to be SUPER-EASY. SUPER-EASY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND I COULD NOT EVEN DO ANY OF THE QUESTIONS GIVEN. I was wanting to kill myself for not being able to answer it. TWO QUESTIONS COMING OUT FROM MY LECTURER'S NOTES THAT I'VE JUST READ PRECISELY THE NIGHT BEFORE AND IT TURNS OUT THAT I COULD NOT EVEN IMAGINE ANYTHING.

The fourth and fifth question? Just don't ask. What else do you think I could do? I'm a damn sensitive and unstable person, that when I encounter problems I always need time to cool down and relax before getting ready to fix things up. Doing that in a minute? YOU THINK??

Stupidity wins, people. Wins over the bloodshed dramas and will. What is the purpose of always being constantly reminded about working hard? Who am I, am a human, with limited storage of patience and natural push to become easily unsatisfied?

I was, frankly, really disincentified. I feel like nothing else stands in the path of fate. Who am I to change the fate by hard work? Who am I? I am a person who was destined to fail. I don't want to believe so, but I can't help fueling negative thoughts into my mind. Why do I have to encounter this kind of problem when I started to love something that I previously really hated?

Does God never think about the implications that that mid-exam event brings? I am now losing my faith to "principles of being a genius of hard work". I am now starting to doubt my own religion. I am now a helpless idiot trying to survive in this harsh world. I am now really lazy to do all the daily religious activities.

If everything has been written down, if nothing can be changed, if humans are destined to only have a particular way, then what is the purpose of choosing?

Reminiscences and Gratitudes of ITB IVED 2010

2010-02-17T23:31:00.010+07:00

ITB IVED Squad 2010 (notice how each team consists of only 1 male?):

A. Celestial Being : Farah Fitriana, Rifan Ibnu Rahman, Diedra Putri Hapsari
B. Trinity : Meutia Arinta Kusprameswari, Darwin Sutjiawan, Gladys Brigita
C. The White Mages : Kirana Kania, Vincentius Dito Krista Holanda, Marsha Faradina

It's been a long time since IVED ended with a satisfying result for ITB Squad: Champion! But being champion is actually not the biggest prize: a new family is. Intensive Training for this year's IVED was a wonderful experience for me. Each of the debaters are great friend to the others (and it extends to replacing names with 'my wife/husband' after having inter-faith and inter-racial 'marriages', ckckck), lots of sinetron scenes... and I really miss the togetherness we had during that time. The committee also worked very hard, not to mention their precious support to the debaters. I really appreciate it.

I wanna say thanks to my teammates: Kirana Kania and Vincentius Dito Krista Holanda, for the great teamwork and brilliant ideas. Sorry if I was being a burden for you guys. You have great tolerance to my incapability of doing things, and it helped me a lot to explore new horizon of debating. I'm lucky to have been in one team with you for my first ever varsity debate competition, in which I learned a lot for my future career. Thank you! The White Mages rocks!

My highest gratitude is also addressed to the coaches: Pandu, Uphie, and Elfa for their patience ,and what I'd call "creativeness" in coaching us. Many new techniques, teaching methods, philosophy, contextual approach...basically everything you need in Australian Parliamentary Debate. I'm truly blessed for being trained by such incredible people.

Lastly I want to say thank you to the seniors of SEF, especially my grandfathers: Norman Febrian and William Ong; Master Masyhur for his infinite support from Japan (any international roaming or something like that when you sent SMS?); Tyson Son for making me laugh when I was stressed out (prolly he didn't realize this, tho. haha). Pray that ITB will be ne next legend of Indonesian Debating History! :D

Well, I'm temporary losing my sense of writing these days...so I guess pictures talk more than writings, eh? :)

Lunch @Fast Bake during Pre-IVED

Some crazy practice sessions...

Sleepover @Gladys' place during IVED: really helped reducing tension!

The White Mages on Grand Final of IVED

My debate book and the trophy :)

ITB IVED Squad! (teams: The White Mages, Trinity, and Celestial Being)

ITB Squad + IVED Committee (including LOs)!

:)
A big smile, a big hug for everyone!

2009: Tahun Pendewasaan Diri

2010-01-03T02:45:00.006+07:00

Bagi saya, dua ribu sembilan adalah tahun penuh kontemplasi. Tahun yang dijejali tidak saja oleh kumpulan soal-soal Ujian Nasional, Seleksi Nasional Masuk Perguruan Tinggi, atau pun soal-soal latihan menghadapi Ujian Saringan Masuk ITB. Lebih dari itu. Dua ribu sembilan adalah tahun kelulusan saya dari SMA, sekaligus juga momen ‘pelepasan’ diri saya dari dunia abu-abu yang sebenarnya: memasuki dunia dimana dunia tidak terlihat sesederhana hitam dan putih. Dunia yang lebih nyata sekaligus juga terasa lebih rumit. Dunia dimana berbagai definisi tentang “ideal” bisa dianggap benar. Dunia dimana pluralisme terasa begitu nyata, dan toleransi terasa begitu penting maknanya. Mengakumulasikan apa yang saya hadapi di dunia baru sekaligus juga mengatasi berbagai rintangan yang tidak bisa dianggap mudah selama awal tahun membawa saya pada suatu kesimpulan bahwa tahun 2009 adalah tahun pendewasaan diri.

Awal tahun 2009 saya jalani dengan kesadaran penuh (akhirnya) bahwa saya sudah sampai di penghujung masa Sekolah Menengah Atas. Masa SMA saya memang lebih berwarna di luar sekolah ketimbang di dalam sekolah sendiri (lucunya, “di luar sekolah” = ITB yang kini benar-benar menjadi kampus saya), tapi tetap saja SMA meninggalkan kesan yang cukup mendalam di diri saya. Saya ingat bagaimana emosi saya begitu tidak stabil di awal tahun, malam-malam dingin yang dilewatkan di bimbingan belajar, every-second-reminder dari guru-guru tentang “Ujian sebentar lagi”, momen-momen kesendirian yang mutlak ketika saya sadar bahwa bagaimanapun juga jalan hidup saya memang harus ditentukan oleh saya sendiri tanpa campur tangan orang lain, serta berbagai bentuk pengharapan yang dirangkai bersama teman-teman seperjuangan demi memasuki kampus impian. Kebimbangan mengenai masa depan, pertanyaan Quo vadis?, dan jeratan melankoli terus menghantui saya. Awal tahun 2009 adalah masa dimana saya mulai menerima diri apa adanya dan melihat Tuhan dari perspektif yang tidak biasa. Saya sangat berterimakasih pada kekuatan do’a dan kekhusyukan menjalani shalat, juga kepada teteh-teteh mentor serta teman-teman curhat yang berhasil mempertahankan kewarasan saya dalam masa-masa sulit.

SMA Negeri 3 Bandung: lebih dari sekedar tempat menuntut ilmu

Mendekati ujian-ujian, rasa tidak percaya diri mulai merasuk. Saya yang memang hanya menetapkan tujuan ke FTI ITB tanpa ada cadangan apa-apa mulai merasa ragu dengan pilihan serta kemampuan saya. PRA-UN yang nilainya agak jauh dari harapan juga menambah pesimisme saya. Godaan setan terus berdatangan dari mana-mana, terutama dunia debat yang waktu kelas 2 benar-benar menjadi fokus saya. Kadang-kadang saya mencari pelarian ke sana juga, curi-curi waktu untuk sekedar datang dan melatih adik kelas. Alhamdulillah, saya punya teman-teman seangkatan 2009 SMA Negeri 3 Bandung yang bisa membantu saya membuat skala prioritas. Saya ingat bagaimana mereka secara konstan menarik saya ke ‘jalan yang benar’, menyemangati di saat saya mulai menampakkan tanda-tanda untuk menyerah, dan memanjatkan do’a bersama-sama. Saya melihat setiap orang berjuang, tak peduli anak pintar atau anak geng, anak konglomerat atau anak biasa-biasa saja. Hawa-hawa ujian menebar dimana-mana, bahkan saat obrolan makan siang di kantin (“Ih jijik ada siput!”, “Oiya, siput itu kelas apa ya? Ordo apa? Reproduksinya gimana?”). Saya ingat waktu menjelang USM 1 ITB...saya ingat perjuangan mereka-mereka yang punya rezeki lebih untuk ikut USM 1 dan bagaimana mereka merasakan atmosfer persaingan memasuki kampus gajah yang seakan menjadi destinasi kultural bagi anak-anak SMA 3. Saya tentu saja tidak bisa menumpukan harapan pada USM 1 yang biayanya sangat di luar jangkauan itu. Mendekati Ujian Nasional, anak-anak Fakultas Kedokteran-minded yang gagal di SIMAK UI sebelumnya (tidak ada satu pun anak 3 yang masuk FK UI tahun ini), mulai berharap pada Ujian Masuk UGM, sebuah universitas yang santer digosipkan sudah mem-blacklist SMA 3. Pengumuman-pengumuman pun berdatangan. Saya melihat bagaimana bahagianya wajah-wajah orang yang diterima di STEI, FTI, dan sederet fakultas lainnya di ITB. Saya melihat wajah bahagia teman-teman yang diterima di FK UGM. Saya melihat kebimbangan teman-teman yang lulus berbagai macam tes masuk universitas hanya untuk berjaga-jaga. Saya melihat kekecewaan dan kata-kata “Jangan menyerah” berhamburan. Saya ingat saya curhat ke kakak betapa saya berharap bisa menjadi salah satu orang yang diterima di ITB dan bagaimana kakak selalu berhasil membuat saya tersenyum dengan uplifting and inspiring wordsnya. Saya ingat banyak malam penuh tangisan sambil ngulik rumus. Saya ingat countless e-mail yang saya kirimkan ke sahabat saya, yang pada waktu itu ikut program YES ke Amerika. Setiap saya mulai merasa down, saya ingat orang tua saya dan harapan yang mereka gantungkan pada saya.

Ujian Nasional datang dengan berbagai versi kunci jawaban yang tersebar melalui SMS sehari sebelumnya. Entah siapa yang mengirimkan SMS-SMS tersebut, tapi saya sama sekali tidak tertarik untuk menggunakannya. Buat apa? Meskipun transkrip nilai Ujian Nasional saya tidak kepala 9 semua, tapi saya puas karena itu benar-benar hasil pemikiran saya sendiri. Saya puas karena saya sudah berjuang sebatas kemampuan saya. Malam sebelum ujian pertama (Biologi, Bahasa Indonesia) saya tidur dengan kepala dipenuhi nama-nama latin dan anatomi tubuh manusia, sampai saya hapal warna spidol dan bentuk panah apa saja yang saya pakai di catatan saya.

Right after ujian nasional, saya mengalami ujian dalam bentuk lain. Hmm, memang tidak terlalu menyakitkan, but really, ternyata letting go of an ex itu susah juga ya? Selama setahun hal sensitif ini tergantung-gantung, sampai akhirnya salah satu pihak membuat keputusan final. Untunglah hal ini tidak terlalu mengganggu, dan ternyata semuanya bisa diselesaikan dengan baik. I had a more important thing to deal with. Setelah Ujian Nasional, tibalah masa persiapan menghadapi USM ITB Terpusat. Saya ikut program intensif 3 minggu di salah satu bimbel. Saya tidak tau apa yang merasuki pikiran saya untuk berbuat nekat, tapi saya akhirnya hanya memilih FTI sebagai satu-satunya pilihan di formulir pendaftaran. Nekat, sungguh, ditambah lagi saya tidak punya cadangan apapun untuk kuliah. Satu hal yang patut disyukuri adalah, saya tidak merasakan sindrom putus asa menjelang ujian. Perasaan deg-degan hanya saya rasakan pada hari pertama ujian, ditambah lagi saya terlambat akibat jalan yang subhanallah, macet sekali. Masuk dari gerbang belakang padahal saya ujian di Basic Science A Lantai 4. Sampai sekarang, pemandangan ribuan anak SMA yang memadati ITB tidak bisa saya lupakan. Benar-benar seperti mencoba meloloskan diri dari lubang jarum.

Basic Science Center A:
saya sarankan anda datang lebih pagi jika kebetulan tempat USMnya disini

Masa-masa menunggu pengumuman kelulusan USM ITB benar-benar masa paling penuh ketidakpastian dalam hidup saya. Saya ikut intensif SNMPTN, tapi saya hanya belajar di bimbel saja karena saya sama sekali tidak berharap ikut SNMPTN. Jiper duluan! Dua minggu penuh ketidakjelasan itu akhirnya berakhir tanggal 12 Juni 2009, pukul 18.12. Saya ingat betapa shocknya saya menerima SMS dari Pak Ang, guru fisika saya di SSC yang sangat amat sering menginspirasi saya.

“Selamat ya nak! Di FTI ya?”

Sumpah, saya tidak bisa melukiskan kebahagiaan saat saya melihat pengumuman kelulusan itu dengan mata kepala saya sendiri.

Bulan Juni berlalu dengan bahagia, tapi kompensasinya adalah saya tidak bisa maksimal mempersiapkan Prom Nine (nama acara Prom SMA 3 09), 23 Juni 2009. Ah, mungkin saya hanya terpengaruh media-media Barat yang begitu mengagung-agungkan Prom Night, padahal sebetulnya...yah, all-in-all, biasa saja.

Juli berlalu dengan banyak tidur dan membereskan rumah. Berhubung saya orang Bandung, saya tidak repot mencari tempat kos atau semacamnya. ITB sudah sering saya kunjungi sejak kecil, apalagi saat ITB menjadi rumah kedua saya saat kelas 2 SMA. Satu hal yang berubah adalah perasaan bahwa sekarang saya sudah menjadi mahasiswa ITB yang belum mendapat Kartu Tanda Mahasiswa. Setiap melihat anak-anak pintar itu keluar dari gerbang kampus, saya tersenyum puas pada diri sendiri. Huh, arogansi anak muda!

Juli-Agustus 2009 adalah saat-saat adaptasi, yang ternyata masih berlangsung sampai sekarang. Saya menyaksikan pemandangan saat daftar ulang di Sabuga, bersama ribuan mahasiswa baru ITB 2009 yang memasang tampang cerah di wajah masing-masing. Tak ketinggalan para orang tua, bangga dan merasa sudah berhasil mengantarkan anak-anaknya ke ‘pintu gerbang menuju masa depan cerah’. Kata-kata tipikal pun sudah siap dilancarkan pada saudara, kerabat,dan rekan kerja: “Anak saya sekarang kuliah di ITB”.

Kehidupan saya di ITB bermula saat PROKM (semacam orientasi pengenalan kampus). Jujur saja, saat PROKM yang ada di pikiran saya hanya rasa bangga. Bangga bahwa saya termasuk salah satu yang disebutkan dalam spanduk klasik “Selamat Datang Putra-Putri Terbaik Bangsa”. Bangga karena saya bisa mengenakan jaket almamater Institut Terbaik Bangsa (‘terbaik’ itu relatif sih sebenarnya). Saat itu saya benar-benar seperti anak kecil yang diberi permen. Saya sama sekali tidak memikirkan tanggung jawab besar yang menanti saya di depan: Untuk Tuhan, Bangsa, dan Almamater. yang ada hanya rasa bahagia bercampur sombong. Ah, tapi rasa itu memang normal kan?

Institut Tekanan Batin...hmm... :)

Perjuangan sebenarnya baru mulai terasa saat memasuki masa-masa awal perkuliahan. Kehidupan kampus benar-benar mendewasakan saya dalam hitungan bulan. Baru pada saat kuliah di ITB inilah saya merasa bahwa Indonesia benar-benar majemuk. Saya yang terbiasa dengan budaya Sunda harus membiasakan diri dengan budaya daerah-daerah lain yang sangat beragam di Indonesia mini ini. Tegasnya orang Batak, medoknya orang Jawa, uletnya para keturunan Tionghoa, gaulnya orang Betawi. Hidup di ITB juga mengubah pandangan saya terhadap agama, terutama bagaimana saya bertoleransi. Dalam diri saya sendiri, saya juga harus memperkuat iman terhadap agama saya. Lucunya, untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidup, saya baru benar-benar aware bahwa saya dilihat sebagai keturunan Tionghoa. Baru pertama kali dalam hidup, saya mengalami kesulitan untuk meyakinkan begitu banyak orang bahwa saya Islam. Memang sih, buyut-buyut yang berada 5 generasi di atas saya Kong Hu Cu dan saya keturunan Cina langsung, tapi toh kultur-kultur itu sudah lama hilang di keluarga, bahkan di generasi-generasi di atas saya. 12 tahun sekolah di sekolah negeri dimana mayoritas beragama Islam membuat saya kurang toleran terhadap agama lain, tapi di ITB, saya mau tidak mau harus menerima kenyataan itu. Dan ternyata prosesnya sangat menyenangkan. It’s really interesting to see the world from different perspectives and points of view!

Kehidupan kampus ITB tidak hanya dalam soal menghargai perbedaan, tapi juga tuntutan akademisnya. Saat baru masuk, saya dengan congkak menetapkan target IP semester satu 3.8. Dengan bekal menjadi langganan 3 besar selama 12 tahun, saya cukup percaya diri. Ternyata, di atas langit masih ada langit. Saya mengalami shock yang cukup berat saat menyadari bahwa posisi saya di kelas hanya rata-rata saja. Untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidup, saya benar-benar tergopoh-gopoh dalam mengikuti pelajaran. Fast-pace teaching tidak memperbolehkan teknik menyuapi lagi. Dosen tidak mau tau kita ngerti atau tidak, yang penting bahan kuliah tersampaikan. Saya yang selama ini terbiasa belajar sendiri tanpa diskusi bareng pun mau tidak mau mulai membiasakan diri belajar bersama. Tidak bisa lagi mengandalkan bimbingan belajar, les privat, kunci jawaban ulangan, bocoran soal, atau soal-soal responsi seperti pada waktu SMA. Kerja sama saat ujian juga sudah tidak berlaku lagi, ancamannya jelas dan tegas: Drop Out. Lagipula, teman-teman sekelas juga tampaknya sama sekali tidak tertarik untuk kerja sama saat UTS. All this sudden rapid change makes me irritated and frustrated. Nangis pun udah gak keitung lagi. Ditambah juga kebimbangan yang terus-menerus berlangsung tentang pemilihan jurusan dan berbagai konflik kepentingan yang akhirnya berakhir dengan penetapan tekad untuk masuk Teknik Kimia.

Di samping kegiatan akademik, kegiatan ekstrakurikular juga mulai menekan saya pada bulan-bulan terakhir 2009. As expected, I entered Student English Forum ITB. Tempat saya belajar berbagai macam hal saat kelas 2 SMA. Tempat saya menemukan free-thinkers yang mengubah pandangan konservatif-dogmatis yang ditanamkan ibu saya sejak kecil. Tempat saya menggila bersama berbagai macam orang gila. Ketika saya benar-benar menjadi insider, bukan sekadar anak SMA yang main-main ke ITB lagi, saya mau tidak mau mengalami kenyataan pahit bahwa ilmu saya sama sekali tidak cukup. Degradasi kemampuan berbahasa Inggris juga cukup mengganggu proses ini. Kemampuan analitik yang menurun dan ketergantungan yang berlebihan terhadap perfect teammates saat masih SMA juga sangat mengaffect performance saya. Di atas semua itu, saya juga harus bersaing secara sehat dan maju bersama-sama dengan debaters dari berbagai macam SMA di Indonesia, yang mungkin pernah melawan saya selama kompetisi di high school level. Selain SEF, saya juga ikut Koperasi Kesejahteraan Mahasiswa (Kokesma) untuk menambah ilmu enterpreneurship. Meskipun time management saya cukup buruk dan masih perlu diperbaiki lagi, tapi saya tidak setuju dengan nerdy geeks di luar sana yang merasa kuliah hanya tentang akademis saja. Memang sih, iri juga melihat nilai-nilai A mereka bertebaran dimana-mana, tapi saya masih merasa university life terlalu sayang untuk dilewatkan hanya dengan belajar saja. Terlalu banyak hal menarik di dunia yang jauh lebih nyata ini untuk dieksplor dan dialami sendiri.....

...Masa awal perkuliahan terasa berjalan dengan begitu cepat. Tiba-tiba saya akan mendapat Indeks Prestasi pertama saya yang entah berapa, dan tidak ada kemungkinan mendapat 3.8 seperti target awal saya. Tiba-tiba saya akan menghadapi kompetisi debat varsity level pertama saya, IVED, dalam hitungan minggu. Tiba-tiba saya akan menghadapi semester 2 dengan berbagai kepadatan kuliahnya dan kesempatan-kesempatan terakhir untuk mendulang nilai demi masuk Teknik Kimia. Hidup di tengah tekanan dan jadwal harian yang hectic seperti ITB ini membuat waktu terasa sangat berharga, dan sekaligus juga sangat cepat berlalu.

Tahun 2009 pun berakhir. Tahun yang penuh perjuangan dari awal sampai akhir. Sangat berbeda dengan 2008 yang penuh dengan canda tawa dan kebahagiaan hidup remaja SMA. Tahun 2009 berakhir dengan banyak pelajaran untuk mencapai kedewasaan, yang dicapai melalui kontemplasi tak terhingga dan petualangan menguak enigma. Tahun 2009 berakhir setelah menuai banyak drama penuh air mata, sekaligus juga tawa lepas yang membangkitkan setiap asa. Tahun 2009 dipenuhi dengan cinta dari orang-orang sekitar, senyum tulus yang terkembang di wajah manusia-manusia fana, dan kasih sayang Allah SWT dalam bentuk yang tidak disangka-sangka.

Terima kasih 2009. Usai sudah 365 hari penuh kejutan dan pembelajaran ini. Semoga tahun 2010 bisa menyajikan kisah yang lebih menarik untuk disimak: perbaikan di setiap sektor kehidupan.

Math in Love, Everyone?

2009-11-17T01:03:00.001+07:00

Haha lucu banget deh. Kreatif, dan ITB banget. Heuheu.
Thanks buat yang bikin, hiburan di malam hari. :D

D'oh!

2009-11-07T22:12:00.001+07:00

Hahaha we love you, Masyhur!

Unfortunate Life I'm Living

2009-10-30T22:40:00.003+07:00

1. UTS Kalkulus dengan senang hati dapet 80
Tapi di kelas aku nilai 90 bertaburan. Damn.

2. Praktikum.
Like, DUH! Gak ada yang bener! Meskipun Pengenalan Teknologi Informasi udah mulai meningkat sih. I don't know what's actually wrong with, spec. Physics Lab Activity! BLAH. Kuis akhir praktikum kimia juga nilainya 65 dan 62. DUH. Mau jadi apa kalo kayak gini terus...

3. A very high competition!
Okay, gw tau anak-anak di ITB adalah putra-putri terbaik bangsa, no wonder they're GENIUS. But I really didn't expect to be so left behind! Having used to be a high-ranked student makes me sick of this condition. Tau gak sih rasanya merasa bego di hidup kamu yang sekarang ini setelah 12 tahun dianggap 'pintar' sama orang-orang sekitar kamu???

4. The long-lasting confusion of a lifetime.
TEKNIK KIMIA ATAU TEKNIK INDUSTRI?? Kalo TK gw takut gak bisa ngikutin pelajarannya, apalagi anak2nya tampaknya SANGAT SIBUK dan SANGAT PINTAR (berhubung gw agak bego disini). Pelajarannya juga lebih tinggi daripada jurusan2 lain di ITB (kata kakak2 kelas), tapi prospek kerjanya bagus dan gajinya juga gede katanya. Kalo TI, gw rasanya masih bisa catch up sama pelajarannya dan masih punya waktu buat ngelakuin hal-hal lain di luar kuliah (debat, bisnis, ikut proyek, nge-les-in orang), intinya skills gw di bidang2 lain masih bisa terasah. Tapi gw takut gak bisa menyesuaikan diri sama anak2nya yang (katanya) gaul dan socialistas lah, terus prospek kerjanya juga agak susah karena harus bersaing sama banyak jurusan serupa, since TI tidak terspesialisasi. Jadi dua-duanya sama-sama membingungkan!!!!!!!!

5. Masalah cinta?
Ah, jalanin aja lah. Gak ada tanda-tanda bakal change status soon. Masih belom ada yang serius, masih main-main doang, dan belom ada yang bener-bener ngena ke hati.

6. PELAJARAN.
Anjrit lah pelajarannya diajarkan dengan SANGAT AMAT CEPAT dan dituntut pemahaman yang lebih mendalam terhadap materinya. Belajar bareng doesn't really help for me, tapi bukannya kalo kuliah kudu belajar bareng ya? Tapi da gimana, belajar sama banyak orang bukan style gw! Di sisi lain, belajar sendiri juga kadang gak ngerti...les mahal...orang-orang pintar pasti jadwalnya penuh gara-gara 'buka kelas' di sana-sini...susah dah!!

7. Relationship with God.
Entah kenapa tiap solat dan do'a itu rasanya gak bisa ikhlas, lepas, dan pasrah. Aneh. Rasanya ada yang ngeganjel tiap lagi do'a. Akibatnya do'anya jadi ngelantur kemana-mana, gak fokus, dan gak jelas apa yang diomongin. Menjalankan solat hanya sebagai rutinitas tanpa ada kesan, gak kayak dulu. Istikharah tentang pemilihan jurusan juga belom dapet jawaban sampe sekarang.

8. Debate.
Gw ngerasa gak dapet fun yang sama kayak waktu High School. Varsity belom keliatan 'taring' dan 'racun'nya buat gw. Belom dapet sensasinya dan bingung sama masa transisi ini. Belom ada teammates yang ngeklik kayak Ega ama Marini, lah latihan aja gak baleg. Oh, dan tuan tanah is whining every time, rasanya kayak semua yang goes wrong adalah kesalahan gw. Gak ngerti deh maunya apa..

9. Manajemen waktu.
Lagi kosong pengennya tidur. Pelajaran dibuka kalo lagi mau kuis atau ujian doang, akibatnya gak bisa belajar optimal karena ngebut. Kalo ada acara, gak bisa ikut bilangnya, "sibuk...". Tiap niat belajar pasti ngantuk. Internetan gak jelas sampe larut malam bahkan subuh. T_T

10. It's a shame, it's a shame, it's a perfect shame.

Little Things Mean Much

2009-10-02T22:44:00.004+07:00

October Sky brings fresher things than pain.

Somebody grew a day older. Somebody reached his legal age. Someone whom I'll never stop hoping for. Someone who successfully broke me down but always fix it. Someone who's been in my heart for these past seven years.

I was, and I am, your eternal admirer. I don't care what the end will be -- if there is one.

Happiness is found, sometimes, when you don't really expect it...yesterday was the prove.

Thanks for your lovely smile when I said happy birthday. Thanks for that familiar lip curve and words "eh, makasih banget ya!". Thanks for opening a nice conversation first. Thanks for asking about my brother. Thanks for telling me that your mom's sick (and I hope she's going to get well soon :)). Thanks for giving me hints on doing OpenOffice task ("yang penting harus taktis!"). Thanks for making me wanna cry, but maybe you wouldn't understand why.

Thanks.

You don't know how much all of that mean to me. You don't know how every single of your word was recorded in my mind to encourage myself whenever I need recharge. You don't know that you've just made my day.

Little things won't matter to you--eyesight, bare touch, or single smile. For me, it's my personal wonders of the world.

I may have said these many times, but still...

I keep dreaming that someday you're gonna realize that I'm here. Through all the embarrassment and pain and tears and crazy smiles, I never gave up hope. I just want you to know one thing, one essential thing. I hope you know the message I've been trying to sent, through gestures, intonation, mimic, and midnight monologue....

I love you.

I'm gonna keep dreaming, so if you're interested, dream a little dream for me. If you're not, I won't be hurt. I can't define hurt if I'm able to choose your smile instead.

So thanks once again, my existential love. I wish you a very peaceful night.

pictures are taken from blinksoflife

The Cycle

2009-09-24T22:05:00.002+07:00

When I was being a newcomer in Junior High School, I always said I missed my Elementary School buddies.

As a first-year student of High School, I always said I missed my Junior High friends, and that I couldn't even survive in my new environment.

Now that I'm being a first-year in this institute, I always say I miss my High School friends and that nobody can beat them in almost everything.

So when I come to a new work place in the future, I probably will say, "I miss my ITB friends!", right? Or won't I? I hope I'll miss my (upcoming) friends, 'cause that means they left important mark in a part of my whole life story :)

--Written by me, as an adaptating ITB newcomer

Quick Updates! :D

2009-09-23T20:50:00.003+07:00

Sekarang gw kuliah di Fakultas Teknologi Industri, Institut Teknologi Bandung. Awalnya sih bangga banget, tapi makin kesini makin...hmm... (gw bisa dapet IP berapa dengan keadaan kayak gini?? Aaarrgghh). ITB unik banget, banyak orang2 dari seluruh Nusantara kumpul dengan berbagai macam dialek, logat, dan gaya bertutur, hahaha. Baru bener2 kerasa deh Bhinneka Tunggal Ika disini. Oh iya, toleransi antar umat beragama juga gede banget disini, seneng deh :)

Institut Terbaik Bangsa! :))

Sisi negatifnya sih, hmm... KULIAHNYA ITU LHO. Tiap hari gw masuk jam 7 (haha SMA malah setengah 7, lebih pagi lagi). Terus hari Senin pulang jam 4, Selasa jam 6 SORE, Rabu jam 3. Kamis praktikum...kalo praktikum kimia jam 1 sampe jam 5...haaa... Jum'at paling enak, pulangnya jam 9 pagi hehehe. Pelajaran disini juga, beuh, gilaaa lah. Tadinya gw berpikir gw cukup pintar ;P tapi ternyata ITB gudangnya orang pinter jadi gw merasa turun kelas jadi 'agak bego', huahahaha. Apalagi KALKULUS oh my God aneh banget laah. Dosennya ngajarnya lebih cepet dari aksel lagi! Ckckckck. Tapi gak semua kayak gitu kok. Dosen Sistem Alam dan Semesta gw, misalnya, sangat berbakat dalam meninabobokan para siswa...uuupsss, mahasiswa yaa :D.

Bentar lagi UTS...rada pasrah juga nih, haha, do'ain yaa :)

Oh terus gw ikut Unit Kegiatan Mahasiswa pastinya... gw ikut Student English Forum sama Kokesma (Koperasi Kesejahteraan Mahasiswa), pengen belajar entrepreneurship! Lagian gw rada bosen juga sama dunia debat, tapi berhubung gw kayaknya bakal dikutuk jadi batu kalo gak ikut SEF, jadi ikut deh hihihihi (nggak juga sih, gwnya juga udah addict). Sejauh ini Kokesma belom ada kegiatan yang gimana-gimana, gak kayak LFM ato MBWG ato yang lainnya yang nampak sibuk...jadi SEF masih lancar. Insya Allah. Gw sekarang2 gak mau terlalu sibuk unit atau organisasi soalnya belom penjurusan ke prodi, jadi yaa kudu fokus belajar juga, berhubung gw sepertinya akan tetep ngambil Teknik Kimia (IP minimum paling tinggi diantara semua prodi di ITB katanya). Bah... :((

Yaudah segitu dulu deh updatesnya, semoga berkenan di hati, haha naoon deuui. Ntar kalo mood nulisnya udah balik mudah2an gw bisa nulis panjang2 lagi deh hasil kontemplasi. Siippooo. Stay in touch with my blog yaa, thanks! :)

Realis Terpercaya!

2009-09-15T00:59:00.002+07:00

Gara-gara liat notes orang-orang tentang tipe kepribadian, aku jadi pengen ikut tes kepribadian di salah satu situs yang disebutin orang-orang itu. Lumayan bener sih kalo kata aku, tapi ada juga beberapa yang hmm ga tau ya haha.

Yang tertarik bisa coba-coba di sini

Kalo udh baca komen-komen yaa, hehehe :D

*maaf ya kalo nge-tagnya random banget hahaha*

Realis Terpercaya

Tipe Realis Terpercaya rendah hati dan sangat memikirkan tanggung jawab. Mereka cermat, pendiam, dan menuntut. Sifat mereka yang paling menonjol adalah dapat diandalkan dan mereka akan selalu berusaha memenuhi janji yang pernah mereka lontarkan. Tipe Realis Terpercaya adalah orang-orang yang cenderung tidak banyak bicara dan serius, mereka tidak banyak bicara namun pendengar yang baik. Kadang-kadang mereka kelihatan pendiam dan menjaga jarak bagi mereka yang belum kenal walaupun biasanya mereka memiliki kejenakaan dan semangat yang tinggi. Kekuatan mereka adalah ketelitian, rasa keadilan yang tinggi, kegigihan yang hampir menuju keras kepala, (HAHA) , dan sikap pragmatis, penuh semangat, dan tekad. Tipe Realis Terpercaya tidak pernah ragu ketika sesuatu harus dilakukan. Mereka melakukan apa yang perlu tanpa mengumbar kata-kata.

Jenis kepribadian ini tidak hanya berharap banyak pada diri sendiri namun juga pada orang lain. Begitu tipe Realis Terpercaya menetapkan diri pada sesuatu, sulit membujuk mereka untuk berpaling. Mereka tidak suka mempertaruhkan sesuatu. Merencanakan berarti keamanan bagi tipe Realis Tepercaya, begitu juga halnya dengan keteraturan dan disiplin. Mereka tidak keberatan menghormati otoritas dan hirarki namun tidak suka mendelegasikan tugas. Mereka yakin orang lain tidak akan mengerjakannya sesungguh-sungguh mereka (HMMMM HAHA). Di posisi manajemen, mereka sangat berorientasi pada tugas – mereka memastikan semuanya dikerjakan dengan baik; namun demikian, mereka tidak terlalu berminat menjalin hubungan pribadi dalam lingkungan pekerjaan minat-minat aja kok huehe .

Dalam hubungan asmara, tipe Realis Tepercaya juga amat tepercaya. Sebagai pasangan, mereka dapat dipercaya dan konsisten, seimbang dan berpikir dengan akal sehat ('seimbang'nya tiap orang kan beda-beda). Keamanan dan kestabilan sangat penting bagi mereka. Mereka nyaris tidak punya waktu untuk bermewah-mewah dan main-main. Siapa pun yang mendapatkan mereka sebagai teman atau pasangan dapat mengandalkan mereka seumur hidup (Ya jangan ngandelin terus dong cape atuh). Namun demikian, butuh cukup banyak waktu bagi tipe Realis Terpercaya untuk memasuki suatu hubungan asmara atau pertemanan. Mereka tidak terlalu membutuhkan kontak sosial (oh ya? masa?); oleh karena itu mereka sangat cermat ketika memilih pasangan dan teman dan membatasi diri dengan lingkaran kecil namun eksklusif (gak segitunya juga sih) yang sesuai dengan tuntutan tinggi mereka. Mereka cenderung menunjukkan keakraban mereka kepada orang-orang yang penting bagi mereka dengan tindakan – pasangan mereka sebaiknya tidak mengharapkan deklarasi cinta yang romantis wah? kok ekstrim?.

Sifat-sifat yang menggambarkan tipe ini: LIKE THIS!

introvert,

praktis,

logis,
penuh perencanaan,

sadar tradisi,

terorganisir,

gigih,

objektif,

rapi,

sungguh-sungguh,

waspada,

setia,

menyukai kedamaian,

menggunakan akal sehat,

rendah hati,

mengutamakan tanggung jawab,

pendiam,

hati-hati,

mandiri,

tepat waktu,

teliti,

menuntut,

kemampuan untuk berkonsentrasi,

dapat dipercaya,

mengulik detail,

dapat diandalkan,

ulet.

Reliable Realist: Love

You are not characterized in your type description as “reliable” for nothing! It describes you as a person as well as a partner. Stability, reliability, fidelity, and security are those traits you expect from your love relationship (and which you contribute to a rich measure). If you have promised something to somebody, your word is your bond, come what may. You are one of the most honest personality types and one of the most predictable ones (in a positive sense!).

With you, one always knows that you mean what you say, and that you will stick with it, regardless what happens. If one can justifiably describe a type as the tower of strength for his/her partner, then it’s you. Intrigues, cunning, sneakiness, or even lack of openness are just as foreign to you in your love relationship as in the rest of your life. Since you are very much aware that your expectations of your partner cannot be met by just anybody, you can procrastinate for quite some time until you decide on someone, and not get involved head over heels with a love relationship even then. For that, you are too careful, and deal with your own feelings - and the ones of others - with too much respect.

You are the most conservative of all types, and feel bound by traditional values and institutions. For you, that also includes marriage and beginning a family. Temporary affairs are not for you, and you don’t know flightiness and inconsistency. You can’t imagine just flirting. In the long run, you would not be happy in a relationship without a commitment. You assume a great responsibility if you engage in a relationship for life and you tend to see yourself as the provider in the relationship. Material security is very important to you, and in order to offer it to your partner and your family, you work hard and often. It is very possible that you are most comfortable in a relationship with the “traditional” role allocation.

Reliable Realist: Career

As a Reliable Realist you belong to the introverted personality types. You don’t appreciate too much commotion around you preferring to work relatively independently of others. You need to give yourself plenty of time to work in peace and deal with your projects thoroughly and intensely. Your ability to concentrate is exceptionally high and if you are interested in something you can truly immerse yourself forgetting everything around you. Very strongly team-oriented professional fields, or employment where your concentration is continuously disturbed, or your work is disrupted, are not really for you. It is just too important to you to complete your projects really well.

One or two colleagues who are on your wavelength or possibly a small group of like-minded colleagues are the most you need. Too many people are stressful to you because the emotionality and irrationality that comes with interpersonal relationships tends to disturb you. You are reserved when revealing yourself, and often have the effect of being aloof.

Sometimes, and although it may not be your intention, you even convey the impression of being dismissive to the people around you. The continuous locker room and water cooler banter enervate you more than anything else. For you, work is work, and you feel that private matters don’t really belong there. When you choose your profession, watch out that you are not made to adjust to and interact with others around the clock.

Reliability is your middle name. Whoever hands you a project can rest assured that it will be handled diligently and delivered on time. The thought not to keep a promise or a commitment on time is total horror to you. Therefore, it is important to you to be in an environment providing smooth working conditions where you receive consistent and predictable feedback about your efforts. Clear and definite objectives, and the assurance that the necessary resources for your activities will be available, are a must.

You can’t stand improvisation, short-term changes of plans, and last minute rush. You are a master at organized planning and proceed very purposefully with everything you do. You are driven up the wall if something unforeseen throws your careful calculations into disarray. You want everything within the purview of your responsibility to run smoothly, so that it can be dealt with one after the other. Professional environments where it is impossible to plan from one day to the next, requiring continuous flexibility, are not your thing. You can deal with a sudden adjustment, but please, not too frequently! A daily life in uncertainty, not knowing if you would be able to deliver a performance meeting your high demands, is not for you.

Menurut kamu? :D

Jujur Nih

2009-09-12T00:30:00.005+07:00

Iya aku mau jujur. Aku lagi bete banget sama dunia debat. Gak usah tanya alasannya deh, terlalu complicated lah sampe aku bingung sendiri ngejelasinnya gimana. Kalo aku bisa mah, IF ONLY I COULD, aku pengen menghindari debat kayak sebulan-dua bulan sampe moodnya balik. Beneran, aku gak suka sama dunia debat saat ini. Maaf, mungkin ada beberapa pihak yang kecewa. Tapi aku harus jujur sama dunia: AKU KEHABISAN ALASAN BUAT DEBAT DAN JADI DEBATER. At least for now.

If something that was once fun becomes something that you have to do, or forced by nature to do, whether you still like it or not, how will you feel? As for me, I'll feel pity. I do.

-marshafaradina

Mungkin cuma kilasan emosi sesaat seorang remaja labil. Terserahlah mau dianggap apa dan diartikan gimana. I guess aku harus fokus sama kalkulus dan kuis-kuis+UTS dulu sekarang.

Lanjutan: Minggu, 13 September 2009

Masih bingung sih, tapi udah gak se-gak suka pas gw nulis tulisan ini. Jalanin dulu aja lah ya...

Warning -- At The Right Time

2009-09-11T01:08:00.003+07:00

Maybe this is a warning from Allah SWT, to make me going to bed this night. Hehe. Good night, people.

50 Things Most Guys Don't Know About Girls

2009-09-02T22:50:00.003+07:00

1. Girls hate it when guys say perverted things. (YEAHH! 100% agree!)

2. Girls like to be told that they're beautiful, rather than hot, pretty, cute, or sexy. It just gives more meaning.

3. Girls love to feel special, even though they might not show it. (hehe)

4. Girls talk about EVERYTHING with their girlfriends. So that means, you're possibly 90% of their conversation. And believe me, trash talking takes up most of it, unless you're a Greek god, which you're not.

5. When girls are online, they want the guy to instant message them first, and they literally burn up inside when they're not messaged. Of course, when they are messaged, they play it all cool and go "oh, hey" as if they just discovered your message.

6. Girls have a thing for guys who dress good.

7. Girls love it when guys are over 6 feet. (hmm kayaknya orang Indonesia gak setinggi itu deh)

8. Girls find it awfully attractive when guys wear just a white t-shirt and jeans and yet they happen to look awesome in it.

9. Remember. Sense of humor. GIRLS LOVE GUYS WHO CAN MAKE THEM LAUGH. (hahahahaha)

10. Girls hate guys with bad hygiene. So put on that deodorant and clip those nails!

11. Girls love guys who know how to dance. (buat aku sih nggak juga gak apa2)

12. Girls love it when a guy pulls them close by the waist. :')

13. Girls go crazy when a guy smells good.

14. Girls hate cocky guys.

15. Usually, when a girl is sarcastically mean to you, it means they're attracted to you, but are afraid that they'll be showing too much. (haha gw banget)

16. A kiss on the hand with the right timing can be a REAL TURN-ON. (bukan muhrim woi)

17. Girls have a thing for guys who sport blazers with a destroyed tee underneath. (Not for me..)

18. Girls have a thing for guys who have messy sexy hair. (Haha, aku sih lebih suka yg gak pake model apa2, crewcut's really okay..)

19. Some girls can think about their crushes for 18+ hours straight. No exaggeration. (HAHAHA)

20. When a guy says something really sentimental, girls will remember it forever. (Yeah, right)

21. The smallest gestures, the smallest stares, and the smallest statements could make a girl's year. No joke. (especially gestures and stares from the beloved ^^)

22. Girls get embarassed easily, even if guys don't know what the hell just happened.

23. Girls daydream about their crushes. Like getting married, going on dates, kissing, etc. They just don't show it. (This explains why 'Wedding Plan' facebook note was really filled in carefully by most of my friends, and me. Haha).

24. Girls HATE players. (AND I HATE BETRAYERS)

25. Guys who can sing are a major turn on. (Nggak juga sih. Haha).

26. Guitarists are sexy. (Love it!)

27. When a girl is upset and wants you to listen, she wants you to listen. Don't give her advice unless she asks for it. (As for me, give me advice, but not too much)

28. When a girl is crying, she feels a lot safer if you pull her close and tell her that everything is going to be alright. (aww, so sweet :))

29. Girls love it when guys say their name. (dengan pelafalan yang benar. wkaka.)

30. Girls don't like short tempered guys. (Setiap orang harus bisa bersabar)

31. Sometimes girls just wish that guys would notice when they get a new haircut or if they're wearing eyeliner.

32. When a girl calls you her loser or her dork, it usually means she's attracted to you.

33. Girls find it a lot more romantic if you just fall asleep with them holding them with your arms rather than having a night of hot kinky sex. (this is so romantic-movie scene, right?)

34. Girls will never say I love you unless you say it first. But that doesn't mean she doesn't want to scream it from the top of her lungs. (ergh. Just say it, boy! I'm waiting!)

35. Girls love confidence.

36. Girls don't like rock-hard guys. They like to know that guys can have a sensitive side too. (hihihi)

37. There comes a time when girls have needs too. Enough said.

38. A girl will cry over you a lot more than you think. (yeah)

39. A girl's wounds can last awhile. And when I say awhile, I mean awhile. (And awhile here means a lot of time, like...several years. I mean it. :( )

40. Girls hate guys who smell bad.

41. When a girl cooks for you, you know you mean a lot to her. :)

42. Girls don't like it when you think other women are hot and say it so. (Just like how guys don't like it when they're compared with another guy, right?)

43. Eyeliner is a girl's essential product. Don't ever try to take it away from her. (Hmm I don't wear eyeliners!)

44. Girls hate it, absolutely HATE IT when guys don't keep their promises. It throws them over the top. (Yeah, like how they say it "Wait until blablabla and I'll talk about something..." and none was spoken about until hell freezes over...)

45. Every girl fantasizes about her wedding. Her dress, her flowers, her shoes, her hair. More than you think. (oohh yes! :))

46. Girls hate it when other guys flirt. Yet they flirt themselves too. Ah, the beauty of irony. (HUAHAHA)

47. Girls will save instant message conversations when they like a guy. :')

48. A phone call, a text message, or a single Hershey's kiss will mean A LOT MORE than a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates on her birthday. (Hear hear! But eliminate the kiss, please)

49. Every girl think she's pretty in one way or another. They just won't admit it. (Haha)

50. Girls are VERY SELF-CONSCIOUS when it comes to their looks. No makeup is a very sensitive topic to them. (HAHA)

I personally find it really interesting. How about you? Does this suits you? Haha.

Reblogged: http://meo.blogg.no/1248445603_50_things_boys_dont_k.html

Kamu

2009-08-28T23:02:00.005+07:00

Hari-hari terasa sepi bila tanpa kehadiran sosokmu yang selalu membuatku menikmati hari.

Kamu yang selalu membuatku deg-degan, bertanya-tanya, penasaran.
Kamu dan matamu yang selalu membombardirku dengan keputusasaan untuk mengetahui arti pandanganmu yang sebenarnya.

Kamu.

Kamu yang telah aku cintai selama bertahun-tahun.

Kamu.

Kamu yang tidak pernah lepas dari bayanganku akan kecengan ideal, pasangan hidup ideal, cowok ideal.
Kamu yang hingga kini masih menawan bahkan dalam penampilanmu yang paling berantakan sekalipun.
Kamu yang sampai sekarang masih menjadi cowok paling sempurna yang bisa aku ilustrasikan.
Kamu yang memiliki peran penting dalam sejarah kehidupan cintaku.

Kamu.

Photo was taken at Lapangan Parkir Sipil ITB, August 15, 2009. Thanks to Yosia for capturing this moment.

Aku dan kamu sama-sama di ITB.

Hanya mendengar fakta itu saja aku sudah senang, apalagi ditambah kenyataan bahwa kita satu fakultas.

Kupikir kita akan lebih mudah berkomunikasi.
Kupikir kita akan bisa dekat--pada akhirnya.
Kupikir aku akan mendapat kesempatan mendekatimu dan bersamamu dalam waktu yang lama.
Kupikir aku akhirnya bisa menjadi, setidaknya, teman yang paling kau sayang.
Dan targetku pun tidak main-main: aku ingin menjadi kekasihmu, orang yang kau cintai sepenuh hati sebagaimana aku mencintaimu..........pada akhir masa TPB.

Tapi,

Kau ternyata tetap jauh.

Sejauh jarak yang selama ini memisahkan kita, yang membuat kita tak mungkin bersatu.

Kita tidak sekelas, kita tidak 1 kelompok dalam PROKM, kita tidak pernah bersama dalam praktikum, kita tidak ikut unit-unit yang sama, bahkan wali kita pun berbeda.

Kau begitu jauh seperti biasa.
Kau hanya bisa kujangkau sebatas pandangan, pandangan misterius yang membuatku selalu berharap.
Kau hanya bisa kusapa dengan sapaan sederhana yang tidak lebih dari satu-dua kata.

Kau masih tampan, kau masih diam, kau masih begitu sulit untuk kudapatkan.

Aku kehabisan akal.
Aku tak tahu lagi bagaimana caranya agar kita bisa dekat, padahal kedekatan adalah kunci menuju keterbukaan.
Aku bingung.
Aku merasa pesimis...dan sedih.

Ada kemungkinan tahun ini adalah tahun terakhir kita bersama.
Mungkin saja tahun depan kita sudah ada di jurusan yang berbeda.

Aku tidak pernah memikirkan ini sebelumnya.

Kehadiranmu yang konstan dalam setiap fase kehidupanku membuatku merasa seolah aku takkan pernah kehilanganmu, seolah kau akan bisa terus membuatku bersemangat dan penuh harapan hanya karena melihat senyummu, hanya karena aku tahu aku akan menemukan bukti nyata bahwa kau ada.

Aku tidak mau berpisah denganmu.

Aku sangat ingin kita bisa bersatu.
Bersatu dan membuat kisah cinta paling indah yang pernah didambakan orang.
Bersatu dan membuat luka tahunan yang masih membuka ini sembuh dan sehat.
Bersatu, menyatukan apa yang menjadikan masing-masing dari kita unik dan menarik.
Suatu sinergi dalam diversitas.

Tapi aku tak tahu apakah kau mencintaiku seperti aku mencintaimu.

Dan aku tidak tahu bagaimana caranya supaya aku tahu.

Apalah artiku bagimu?

PROKM ITB 2009

2009-08-20T15:13:00.003+07:00

PROKM ITB? Apa tuh? PROKM ITB itu singkatan dari Pengenalan Ruang dan Orientasi Keluarga Mahasiswa ITB.

Pokoknya rame lah! Belajar memaknai hidup, belajar tentang kebersamaan, belajar makan NASI BUNGKUS ALA MAHASISWA yang subhanallah nasinya banyak bangeeett, dan belajar untuk BERSABAR. Hehehe. Terus brainwashing jugaa...bahwa mahasiswa itu adalah agent of change yang menentukan nasib bangsa ke depan, posisi kita di masyarakat yang dihormati, karena itu sudah selayaknya kita membaktikan diri pada mereka..

Dan saya menemukan keluarga baru...22 orang mahasiswa baru ITB 2009 plus 3 orang TAPLOK yang membimbing kami selama PROKM. SAYANG KALIAN SANGAT, KELOMPOK 95! :)

Cerita lengkap dan detail menyusul ya! Lagi males nulis nih hehehe. Stay in touch with my blog, dear readers! :)

SNMPTN is Not The End

2009-08-01T07:38:00.000+07:00

1 Agustus 2009.
Pengumuman SNMPTN 2009.
Tes terakhir di tahun 2009.

Setahun saya mengalami semuanya bersama mereka—teman-teman seangkatan saya. Saling mendukung, mendo’akan, belajar bersama, menampung tangisan, memberikan semangat, mengucap syukur, bermimpi dan meraihnya.

Satu per satu angkatan 2009 lolos di berbagai seleksi mandiri universitas/institut. Saya kebagian giliran lulus di USM 2. Teman-teman yang tidak lolos maupun yang sudah dari awal fokus, berbondong-bondong ikut SNMPTN.

Hari ini pengumuman, meskipun dari kemaren banyak yang sudah mengonfirmasi kelulusan/ketidaklulusannya.

Dan sekarang saya ada di posisi ini, bahagia, tersenyum. Di sisi lain teman-teman yang tidak lolos menangis, bertanya-tanya pada Allah SWT apa salah mereka, menyesali berbagai macam hal, menerima dukungan yang diberikan sambil merasa iri pada teman lain yang lulus...

Berhenti sejenak, kawan.

Syukurilah apa yang patut disyukuri...kita masih bernapas, masih bisa melihat, masih punya pancaindra yang sempurna. Tidak lulus SNMPTN tidak berarti jalan untuk ke PT yang diidamkan terhenti sama sekali. Masih ada tahun depan, masih ada universitas lain. Saya tau ini berat...memang berat, tapi kesempatan untuk sukses belum tertutup sama sekali. Allah SWT lebih tau apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Yakinilah, syukurilah, dan berhentilah menangis.

Saya telah merasakan setahun penuh perjuangan bersama kalian semua, 3 tahun sebenarnya. Kalian banyak mengajari saya arti hidup. Jangan putus asa...jangan kecewa...masih ada remed kok... :)

Saya sayang kalian.

Tapi Allah SWT lebih sayang pada kalian.

Farewell, Kaoru

2009-07-31T21:33:00.006+07:00

OMG I LOVE THIS SONG! This is one of Rurouni Kenshin's soundtrack. RK is one of my favorite anime of all time, and I've been searching for this song everywhere!

Enjoy this great piece of music,

"Departure"

LOVE IT! x)

Metamorphoself of A Human

2009-07-09T20:18:00.004+07:00

Setiap hari minggu, gw selalu nyempetin baca suplemen Peer Kecil di HU Pikiran Rakyat. Not really for my age sih, tapi gw kalo baca koran emang baca semuanya, ga ada kecuali.
Di suplemen koran itu, gw sering liat kolom yang isinya tentang anak-anak yang punya prestasi, be it di bidang akademik maupun non-akademik. Gw sering liat anak cewe 8 taunan yang juara lomba fotomodel atau jadi model cilik, terus dia bilang di koran itu, “Kalau udah besar, aku pengen jadi model sekaligus dokter”. And here the story begins...

Gw pernah ngalamin jadi anak kecil. Ya iyalah. Temen-temen gw pun dulunya anak kecil, bahkan kalian, para pembaca (ceilah) juga pasti dulunya anak kecil. Gw liat perubahan temen-temen gw: SD, SMP, SMA, dan sekarang gw udah mau masuk kuliah bulan Agustus ntar. Ada yang berubah dari mereka semua. Yang jelas terlihat adalah perubahan fisik, yang cowo nambah tinggi, yang cewe nambah tinggi, semuanya diikuti perubahan wajah, bentuk tubuh, juga suara. Ya ya, hormon-hormon pertumbuhan menjalankan fungsinya dengan baik. Ditambah lagi perubahan sikap, mental anak-anak yang dulunya culun berubah jadi sifat-sifat khas remaja yang moody, ga mau diatur, merasa diri sendiri udah hebat dan mulai ngelawan orangtua, dsb.
Terus apa hubungannya sama tulisan pembuka soal anak kecil yang pengen bermulti-profesi di atas?

Gw ngerasa geli aja, betapa mudahnya anak kecil ngelontarin pernyataan dan bermimpi. Betapa mudahnya. Ga ada konsekuensi yang harus dipikirkan, ga ada tanggung jawab yang harus ikut dipikul, ga ada real steps yang harus direncanakan. Faktanya, jadi model sekaligus dokter bukan pekerjaan yang gampang. Sori ya, temen-temen gw yang dari kecil udah centil-centil dan juara fotomodel ini dan itu pada akhirnya ya jadi model. Bukan model plus dokter. Dunia modelling identik dengan cewe-cewe cantik yang (sori) kurang pintar, at least mereka bukan orang-orang yang suka bergelut dengan buku-buku macam Fundamentals of Physics atau Textbook of Medical Physiology. Kakak gw kuliah di FK, dan gw tau banget waktu buat ga baca buku itu sangat amat sedikit. Anak kecil mana pernah kepikiran? Tapi ya, ga bisa disalahin juga sih si anak kecil itu. Semua anak kecil senang bermimpi, dan itu akan membantu mereka menemukan jalan mereka sendiri pada akhirnya. I personally really loved dreaming in my childhood times. Pada saatnya, impian itu perlu dipilah-pilah dan ditentukan yang mana yang akan diusahakan untuk jadi nyata.

Pemikiran ini ngebawa gw ke hal lain, bahwa masa kecil dan masa remaja adalah saat-saat yang tepat, sekaligus krusial, untuk menentukan akan jadi apa kita saat kita dewasa. Banyak kan perubahan-perubahan tak terduga yang terjadi di sekitar kita? People change, even the ones you thought you knew most. Orang tua dan lingkungan sekitar memiliki peranan yang signifikan untuk membentuk seorang anak, yang diibaratkan selembar kertas putih yang siap ditulisi, digambari, dicoret-coret, dibuang, atau dibakar. Semuanya butuh proses dan perencanaan yang matang, tentu saja, untuk memberikan hasil yang diharapkan.

A relevant example of this is myself. My mother has perfectly shaped me into hers. I am a perfect copy of my mom. Cara gw menyelesaikan masalah, cara gw bikin skala prioritas, cara gw memimpin, cara gw sekolah, bahkan pelajaran yang gw kuasai dan nggak pun sama dengan apa yang mama kuasai dan nggak. Gw gak menyesali itu semua. I’m proud to be mom’s child, but I’m NOT her. Ada beberapa nilai yang gak sama antara gw dan mama. What or who did this? Lingkungan sekitar gw. Orang-orang lain yang berkontribusi dalam kehidupan gw: temen, saudara, keluarga, media cetak maupun elektronik, agama, dll. Tapi inti diri gw adalah inti diri yang ditanamkan mama sejak gw kecil. Gw udah punya basic yang kuat, dan semua itu emang udah direncanain sama mama.

Ada saat-saat tertentu dimana gw memberontak pengen bikin diri gw apa adanya, yang gak tersentuh sama mama. Puncaknya ya kuartal pertama tahun 2007. Setelah itu, terutama setelah April 2008, I discovered who I really am, and who i want to be.

Ternyata gak jauh dari apa yang dipengenin mama dan coba dibentuk olehnya, cuma dengan beberapa modifikasi yang merupakan win-win solution bagi kedua belah pihak :). Inilah wujud nyata hasil metamorphoself gw yang belum sempurna (gw baru masuk tahap dewasa awal). Kepribadian yang gw rasa pas buat gw.

Gw yakin, metamorphoself gak cuma terjadi di gw aja. Banyak contoh-contoh nyata yang bertebaran di kehidupan gw. Yang waktu SD pinter banget, pas SMP mulai berubah setelah mengenal pacar pertamanya. Yang pas SMP pinter dan culun pun, pas SMA mulai anjlok setelah gabung sama geng sekolah terkenal. And many....too many cases like that. There’s a lot more...better, or worse.

Menurut gw, jalan yang aman untuk bisa bermetamorfosis dengan oke adalah dengan punya prinsip. Dengan punya prinsip, kita bisa punya basic yang kuat yang pada akhirnya akan ngebantu kita untuk fit in the society. Prinsip itu kalo bisa sih prinsip yang baik. I mean, bukannya prinsip slenge’an kayak “Ini hidup gue, gue bebas melakukan apapun yang gw mau dan orang lain jangan nge-interfere, for their own good”. That’s not really convenient, believe me. Terlalu banyak norma dan orang yang harus dimusuhi. Lagipula, apapun disini berarti betul-betul apapun, kan? Apapun, bahkan yang ngehancurin diri sendiri kayak make narkoba atau jadi pelacur? Gw banyak menemukan orang yang “berprinsip” kayak gini, terutama anak muda. Ya well, dalam perspektif gw, prinsip itu salah. Freedom should be limited, to some extent, for people’s own good. Masukan dari dua sisi itu perlu. Karena, saat kamu mendengarkan apa yang ingin kamu dengarkan, kamu tidak akan belajar. Sebaliknya, saat kamu mendengarkan, atau terpaksa mendengarkan, apa yang seharusnya kamu dengarkan, kamu akan belajar. Well, emang gak gampang sih buat diaplikasikan, tapi setidaknya kalo kita berusaha, kita akan terhindar dari pandangan satu arah yang bisa aja membahayakan.

Selain punya prinsip, ngedengerin apa kata orang tua juga perlu. Yah ga bisa disangkal sih, orang tua yang normal pastinya pengen yang terbaik buat anaknya. Apalagi mereka udah pernah ngalamin apa yang kita alamin—hal ini menjelaskan kenapa trik-trik bohong kita sering ketauan. Gw pernah kena batunya gara2 ngelawan orangtua, terlalu banyak bukti nyata. Tiba-tiba sakit lah, tiba-tiba stres ga jelas, dan pastinya ngerasa berdosa...
Too bored to use your ears only? Read books. Banyak buku-buku self-help yang bisa dijadiin referensi buat hidup lebih baik, dan bisa membantu kita dalam bermetamorfosis. Emang sih kadang2 ada buku yang standar banget dan sarannya kurang oke, tapi percayalah, masih banyak buku lain yang bisa ngebantu. Bukan hanya dari buku self-help, dari novel atau jenis buku lain juga bisa. Oh iya, jangan lupain juga soal agama. In many cases, ajaran agama sangat berguna buat ngebantu ngeluarin anak-anak muda dari dark age.

Well, I think that’s all about metamorphoself in my perspective. Gak gampang memang untuk mencapai metamorphoself sempurna. Gw juga masih belajar dan berubah sedikit demi sedikit. Hope this writing helps, especially if you feel that you’re alone. Remember, many people in this world share the same feelings as you feel, the only thing matters is whether you wanna speak up and learn from mistakes—made by yourself or others.

Prom Nine, And A Wish That Was Never Granted

2009-06-25T19:00:00.015+07:00

Tuesday, June 23, 2009. Started at 7 pm. Nusantara Ballroom, Grand Aquila Hotel, Bandung.

Before the announcement of USM 2 ITB, I never cared about prom night. The frustration and depression wiped out every single thought of making beautiful gown or looking stunning at that lovely and important night. Thanks to Allah SWT., I was accepted at FTI ITB 2009, so I could focus my mind to make some preparations.

First, THE DRESS. Of course. Since I only had little time left (less than one week), I couldn’t make my own creation. So I decided to buy it anyway. AND IT WAS SO DAMN HARD to find a dress that suits me. Well, after 2 days full of moving from mall to mall, I found it. A simple but glamour dark purple dress, plus 3cm matching high heels. Hoho :).

Sorry, it's not full-body :)

Second, the make-up. I REALLY DIDN’T want the tragedy three years ago happen again: the graduation day of SMPN 5 Bandung. I really had my face messed up by mom :(. Huhu. Or maybe I was too ‘kiddo’ at that time so the make-up was too heavy for me...hmm...

Shortly, I had my make-up and hairdo at Memori Salon, the place where I always cut my hair. Hehe. And I love it! Curly hair was just great for my face. Luckily, mom suggested me to babyliss my straight hair. Huhu, I love curly hair....but my straight hair always looks black and shiny, and it doesn’t need much care, so I love it anyway :).

I went to Grand Aquila with Arum and Zahra, and there we gathered up with Ticeu, Kiki, Yara, and several other girls. Ayu didn’t come :(.

Left to right: Zahra, Me, Arum, Lifka, -don't know, I forget :)-, Yara

Me and Afifa

Just after I sat down, I saw him. His distance was just one table away from me. And he was looking at me too...my, how I love his steady gaze. I always feel like I’m being X-Ray-ed. What else could I do? I couldn’t do anything except pointing my eyes somewhere else. I just couldn’t look into his eyes. Of all the boys I’ve loved and who’ve loved me in my life, he’s still the number one. The truth tells it. Oooff.

Well, prom nine was, I can say, great. The food was also superb, I wish I didn’t have to wear lipsticks so I could enjoy it fully, heheh. Girls wore fantastic costumes, spectacular gowns, and pretty dresses, and some boys wore great costumes too. But I think boys always look handsome in tuxedo, especially him, so it doesn’t really matter whether they wore great costumes or not. Hihi :). Band performances here and there...people were danced like crazy on the dance floor, esp. when the 'Disco Lazy Time' song was played. Oh, and I also got door prize at the end of the shows! I was the 99th person who wrote on the guest book, so I got a good coffee mug with a cute spoon attached to it :).

I remembered my old promise when I was in middle school. Together with Manda, I made promise of revealing my feelings to him at prom night, and Manda did too, about someone she loved. The only difference is that she has given up loving the boy, but I haven’t. Never will I, I think. He has traveled too far around and in my heart and I just can’t get him out.

Manda and Me

With that promise tickling me, I felt a bit pressured to reach him and at least, say hello. BUT I COULDN’T. I was too afraid even to go to his place. He was always surrounded by boys. Later, I found Manda. And both of us went on to accomplish our mission: take at least one photo with our dreamed boys (she had changed her target, of course). And, stupidly, when I found him standing only accompanied by two of his friends, what I could do was just.....LEFT! I DIDN’T HAVE ANY COURAGE! I didn’t even say hi, although his position was just VERY GOOD, and he had seen me and Manda, ready to greet us. He always smiles if he meets people he knows, after all. But I left, I didn’t even smile to him or wave my hand. STUPID!!!!!!!!!
AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Uh well, who knows he might marry me someday? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But but but, we’re gonna be in one campus now, so I may approach him step by step, may I? AAAHHH, I won’t make any promise again!

Huff.

Although my wish (okay, half-wish, half-promise) was never granted, but I still can make another wish right? Not in prom night, but in ITB, me and him will stick together as a happily ever after couple. Amiiiinnn. :).

Aku benci jatuh cinta, terutama kepada kamu. Demi Tuhan aku benci jatuh cinta kepada kamu. Karena, di dalam perasaan menggebu-gebu ini, di balik semua rasa kangen, takut, canggung yang bergumul di dalam dan meletup pelan-pelan...

Aku takut sendirian.

--Kepada Kamu Dengan Penuh Kebencian, Raditya Dika

May we destined to love each other in our campus, Bandung Institute of Technology. Love you, always :)

Ready For Surprises

2009-06-17T23:53:00.008+07:00

Memories stay forever in minds, taking me to an old journey that never ends

There I found love, and strength, and faith

Happy I was to know that I was a part of the big chunk

Things changed; even those whom I thought I knew most

It was something that I couldn't deny - it never can

But now I'm prepared, I'm ready, I've learned

Uncertainty, mystery, they aren't bad

It is fun to know that life is unpredictable

'Cause there's always be a surprise - everywhere, every time

via weheartit, google, deviantart, and blinksoflife

Thank You

2009-06-15T13:51:00.002+07:00

Still in the euphoria of being accepted at FTI ITB 2009, I wanna thank you all who’ve contributed in this very special gift that Allah SWT has given to me. I’ve gone through a year full of hardwork, tears, fight, and pain. I would never be as strong as I was expected to be without your supports, motivation, love, care, teaching, and patience. I know you all are wonderful persons and I’m thankful that you spare some of your time to help me winning this battle. I hope the success will continue for my entire life, and I wish you all the best too. Here are my special thank you-s. I hope it’s sufficient enough, and I’m sorry if there’s anybody’s name that I forgot to mention.

Allah SWT. For His mercy, kindness, forgiveness, and all. For giving me a chance to chase my dream and achieve it. Alhamdulillaahirabbilaalamiin.
My Parents: Budi Roehimat and Evi Yulianti Hasan. Thank you mom, dad, for all your patience, supports, and everything. Hope that you won’t regret having a child like me :) You’re my biggest motivation and motivator.
My Twin Brother: Mario Budi Roehimat. My biggest rival as well as my best heartwarmer. No boyfriend can challenge you, bro :). You’re my light in the dark, and the one who believes that I’m a genius of hardwork. Well, you’re a genius by nature. Fair? :)
Egalita Irfan. Best buddy eventhough she’s in the USA. I love you, Chernobyllia Lapynda. Your hope’s not futile, after all :). Thanks for uncountable e-mails and facebook wall posts, and infinite support that never ends. I know you can fix Indonesia’s messy birocracy and dirty law, so strive for it! :)
Marini Nur Izzah. The place where I can run to. A shoulder to cry on. Just like a real little sister, but sometimes thinking older than me. Heheh. Reach your dream of going to FK UGM for next year’s college, sista! I know you can make it, just like how you always believe in me.
Manda Fadiyah. Be strong, honey. Maybe USM is not the best way for you. Believe that Allah SWT has a bigger plan than you have for yourself. Believe that Allah will always give the best for you. Thanks for being a greaaaattt friend for 6 years (and I hope it’ll never end). We’ll meet again at Ganesha 10, I’m sure of that!
Teman-teman seperjuangan: Ayu Pujiwati, Rizkie Purnama Yulyanti, Fauzia Nastiti, Kartika Nur Oktaviari, Agitha Yusuf, Palomina Caesarea Nur Hasanah, Tristia Riskawati, Yohana Rasita (yang selalu bilang ‘mukamu sudah ada di itb’). TERIMA KASIH! Hope you can all enter your dreamed university and institute! SEMANGAT SETIAP SAAT! Masih ada kesempatan, SNMPTN yang insya Allah jadi rezeki kalian...nanti kita bikin perkumpulan dokter dan insinyur, sip? :) buat yg udah keterima juga selamat ya...
SSC-172: Ayu, Kiki, Pami (lagi. hehe), Neris, Icha, Citrya, Prima, Rachman, Gede, Rino (makasih karena udah bikin saya tau apa yang saya mau), Hafy si jenius hehe. Pak Ang (motivator ulung yang pertama kali ngasihtau saya lulus USM, makasih banyak pak), Bu Tresna penyelamat kimia saya, Bu Mimin dengan catatannya yang sangat amat berguna, Pak Ahmad yang bodor dan penyelesaian matematiknya yang suka rada kecepetan. Hehe. Makasih banyak ya teman2, bapak dan ibu guru...
Daniel Cilaki Ruang 3. Semua teman yang jumlahnya lebih dari 20 orang sehingga tak bisa disebutkan satu persatu (hehe). Meskipun cuma 3 minggu kebersamaan kita (hoho), makasih ya. Buat guru-guru daniel juga makasih banyak... Pak Ebang, Pak Ricky, Pak Ir, Pak Sonny, Pak Sapto, Pak Yahya, Pak Maniam, Pak Hokcu, dan bapak-bapak yang lain hehe. Makasih banyaaaaak! :)
Pak Aip yang sempet jadi guru fisika kilat. Makasih pak!
Student English Forum ITB. Yeaaaa! Hehehe. Thank you to all of you who’ve supported me much all this time. I really appreciate that. Uphie, my heartless-but-now-it’s-meant-for-joking coach, thank you for coaching me so that I have a stronger mental! Haha. Thanks to Farah for listening to me when nobody does, as well as to Masyhur, Pandu, Elfa, Nik, Bana, Eling, Kirana, Darwin, Dito, and every one of you! To grandmaster Norman and my grandpa William Ong, thank you untuk semua teladan dan konsultasi. Hehe. Please accept me and don’t let me fail in the selection for newbies. Altho my debating skill has decreased badly... HAHA, KONGKALIKONG SEBELUM TES :)
Debaters!! Especially Boby CC, Ghea and Monik SMANITRA, Sume UI, and Gladys BPK! Kenapa gw nulis nama kalian? Tebaklah sendiri, haha. Rivality in competitions is not rivality in the real world rite?? For Boby, tabah dan sabar ok, The Legend? Pasti bisa keterima UI! Gladys, congrats for entering FTSL! Gapapalah ga ketemu di FTI yang penting sama-sama ITB. Hho.
Student English Forum 3, formerly named English Club 3. 09ers: Ega, Fifa, Meskhi, Dimas, Adi, Galuh, Subhan, Aria, and everyone. 10ers: Marini, Gichie, Dian, Hugo, and the rest. 11ers: Ivan, Rany, Citra, Erva, Flo, Juan, and all. Thank youuuu!! Especially for my 2011 little brother and sisters who always cheer me up and lift my spirit up. Hehe. KEEP PRACTICING TO CONTINUE THE ACHIEVEMENTS, OKAY?? (Maksa, haha). Lol. Laft ya! ^^ Miss Dee, mari masuk FTI, hhe. Gichie, ITB aja jangan HI. Sipo? Selamat masuk training camp, Delegation of Indonesia for WSDC Qatar 2010! :)
X3M Classic X-3 09, Sepatv XI IPA 1 09, Terein XII IPA 5 09. Atas kebersamaan yang indah.
SMA Negeri 3 Bandung. Dicaci tapi dicintai :). 2009ers, mari penuhi ITB, FK UNPAD, UNPAD, dan tempat-tempat strategis di UI, UGM, UNPAR. Semoga kita lulus UN 100% tahun ini amiin. Terus berjuang ok? Kekompakan seangkatan ga akan pernah terlupa :). Buat semua guru SMA 3, TERIMA KASIH BANYAK atas pengajarannya selama ini, juga motivasi yang selalu diberikan. Insya Allah gak sia-sia.

Waktu adalah besaran yang tidak pernah berulang.
Tata Santana, guru Fisika SMA Negeri 3 Bandung

LAST BUT NOT LEAST... for myself. Makasih ya diriku. Gak sia-sia sempet gelo saeutik, hehe.

Yah udah segitu aja. TERIMA KASIH BANYAK YA SEMUANYA. Yakinlah Allah punya rencana yang terbaik untuk kita semua. Jangan patah semangat! :)

Alhamdulillaahirabbilaalamiin

2009-06-14T11:48:00.006+07:00

Jl. Ganesha 10, here I come :)

What Will Your Verse Be?

2009-06-13T00:28:00.004+07:00

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, [O me! O life! of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.] That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?
Dead Poets Society - via blinksoflife

A Pseudo Freedom

2009-06-06T11:30:00.006+07:00

Waiting is surely not my interest. I'm a bit impatient, and this period of waiting is... I don't know, should I call it: inexplicable?

Last week, on May 30-31, 2009, I had a big test. Ujian Saringan Masuk 2 ITB (Bandung Institute of Technology, Second Admission Test) --> translating it as if English people will read :P
Why do I call that a big day?

Well, I've long wanted to have my future education at ITB. Everything just suits me well there. The green trees, fresh air, strategic location (it's less than 10 minutes from my home!), the (okay, assumption) best engineering education Indonesia can offer, plus the fact that it was my second home during my debate-freak-year. Actually I've been attracted to ITB since I was just a little kid. I always see this campus as a place for genius, where success seems to be in front of your eyes. Some people there might say that it's not really true, but it's a general fact that ITB graduates are often easy to get a good job and eventually grow their career fast.

Now I'm in the middle of achieving it. I've done what I could back then in USM 2, and I really hope that my dream will come true. It was said that 12th of June will be the day of the announcement, and now I'm gonna say I'm having a pseudo freedom.

See? Smiling in a cage, that's how I feel.

You know times when you can do anything but you can do nothing? This is it. This is the time. When I wanna go out and refresh, I remind myself that there's no certainty that I'll be free. When I have the desire to come to a debate practice or accept the invitation my friends there give me, I feel a bit pressured to visit ITB. When I watch DVD, I laugh but it's not a full laugh. I still have to prepare for the worst, which is joining SNMPTN if I'm not accepted in USM 2. To tell you the truth... I'm so not ready if I have to face SNMPTN. If I do, I will have lost before fighting. I don't have the mental strength it requires. I can't erase the negative thoughts... it results in a demotivating way of life I'm having right now. Once I opened a book to study for SNMPTN, at the same time I lost my mood.

It's very risky actually. If and if I have to join SNMPTN, I will only have just about 2 weeks plus to prepare for it. For God Sake.............aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh nooo!!

What's left is hope. And a big hope that things will be alright. I hope it will.

Well, wish me luck, people :)

photos via blinksoflife

Hope Never Dies - It Shouldn't

2009-06-05T02:34:00.005+07:00

photo via artpixie

Kita hanya bisa berharap dan berdo'a agar diberikan yang terbaik. Ya Allah, semoga apa yang telah saya usahakan pada Ujian Saringan Masuk ITB tanggal 30-31 Mei lalu membuahkan hasil yang terbaik. Semoga saya diterima di FTI ITB tahun 2009. Amin.

Leaving?

2009-06-01T00:19:00.007+07:00

“You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance and write poems and suffer and understand, for all of that is life.”

- J. Krishnamurti -
via blinksoflife

I don't know why but I'm starting to think about leaving the world of debating sooner than I thought I wanted to. It just feels to me that I can't develop myself well in one community, like debating. I know it's hard to do so. Debaters have supported me much all these times and it's not gonna be nice if I leave so sudden. I miss the atmosphere anyway. The atmosphere of competition and such. I think I'm gonna have some practices before really giving up. And yeah, I'm questioning whether I could have the 'strength' to leave. But I think I can't stay forever and spend all the coming years debating. Balance might be the best answer. Let's see what'll happen in the next few years. One thing for sure: I gotta be able to control myself.

Announcement

2009-05-10T21:48:00.008+07:00

People, I won't be online from computer or write any new post until May 31, 2009. I'll be facing Ujian Saringan Masuk Institut Teknologi Bandung on May 30-31. Pray for me and wish me luck :). Thanks for all your supports!

Ya Allah, ampunilah segala dosa saya, dan berikanlah yang terbaik untuk saya. Amin.

photo was taken from flickr.com. Thanks! :)

Let's be strong, friends! Just do our best, Allah SWT will do the rest. Insya Allah.

Thanks for the supports,

Sometimes A Picture Tells More Than Words

2009-04-26T11:41:00.004+07:00

If you can decipher the meaning of this picture that I put, you'll know what I actually want to write :)
Carefully scan the pic.

thanks to flickr.com for providing good shots

Menunggu

2009-04-25T16:31:00.004+07:00

Mereka datang dan pergi, semua memberi kesan yang berbeda dalam setiap kedatangan dan kepergiannya.

Mereka mencintai dan dicintai, tapi tidak pernah ada yang hampir sempurna.

Mereka membuatku merasakan apa yang orang lain sebut cinta. Manisnya perhatian dan kata-kata gombal. Malam-malam dingin saat tidur terlupakan. Masa-masa indah bersama mimpi-mimpi yang sempat terwujud.

Aku bisa berkata aku sayang mereka.
Aku bisa berkata aku merindukan mereka.
Aku bisa berkata salah satu dari mereka adalah orang yang paling kusayangi.
Aku bisa berbaring berjam-jam hanya untuk memikirkan mereka.

Tapi aku tahu, kau tetap yang nomor satu.

Tujuh tahun, adakah yang pernah mengalahkanmu?

Meskipun mungkin pada akhirnya aku akan gagal.

Aku tak peduli. Aku bisa mencintai yang lain, seutuh yang mereka inginkan. Aku bisa memberikan segala bentuk kasih sayang yang mereka harapkan. Aku bisa melengkapi mereka seperti halnya dua insan yang bersatu. Aku tidak mau menyakiti mereka. Hidup kita berbeda dan hal itu terus berlanjut: aku hanya bisa menatapmu dari kejauhan. Menunggu sampai akhirnya kau melabuhkan cintamu di suatu tempat dan membuat semuanya menjadi jelas bagiku, karena kau belum pernah melakukannya.

Rasa itu masih ada. Dan aku ingin tahu, akhir dari perjalanan ini. Berpisah jalan? Atau malah bersatu?

Hanya Tuhan yang tahu.

Well.

2009-04-25T00:11:00.004+07:00

That's all I can say.

But maybe you don't feel the same.

via Photobucket

Leaving High School...

2009-04-16T21:36:00.002+07:00

Tadi (Kamis, 16 April 2009) dari jam 08.00-11.30 ada rangkaian acara do’a bersama menjelang Ujian Nasional. Hmm, acaranya mah ya sebenernya gitu we, tapi karena aku belom pernah ngalamin acara do’a bersamanya SMA 3 (ya soalnya waktu kelas 1 kan cuma ngeliat2 doang anak2 2007 lewat terus disorakin...pas kelas 2 aku udah di Jakarta, opening ceremony ALSA UI...), jadi kerasanya sebuah acara baru wee atuh.

Awalnya kita cuma duduk doang di tenda yang digelar di lap. parkir depan (jarang2 ya acara internal di lap. parkir depan? heu). Terus sambutan pertama oleh Mr. Firman yang langsung bikin kita TEGANG MEREGANG naon deui, ngejelasin teknis UN dan bahwa UN sekarang ketat bla bla bla. Untung udah itu Pak Encang (kepsek) ngasih sambutan dan bilang “ya setelah sambutan pa firman yang membuat tegang, mari kita bersantai sejenak, kepalkan tangan anda lalu katakan, lulus!”. Haha, nuhun pak udah menetralkan suasana.

Udah selesai sambutan2 gitu, KPA 3 tampil! Didominasi oleh wajah2 polos anak kelas 1...haha. Oiya, ada Erva (anak SEF kelas 1) nampil juga. Penampilannya ya as usual lah, cuma kok lebih keren KPA 2009 haha naon mentang2 anak 09. Hmm. Tapi pas banget lah waktu lagu “We Are The Champion” dimainin. Pas ama keadaan anak kelas 3 sekarang gitu. Wuhuuuu!

Selanjutnya,,,ah teuing ga apal rundown. Pokoknya ada T’sT yang pemeran utama ceweknya LEBAY ABIS tapi bagus lah, menjiwai gitu loh. Cuma akhirnya rada geje euy. Ada ceramah juga, dari ustad gitu, tapi duh ceramahnya rada anehhhh. Ya bukan aneh sih lebih tepatnya rada garing. Terus ada pembacaan Al-Ma’surat, wazifah kubra. Itu tu buku mini gitu isinya dzikir dan do’a-do’a (istighfar kubra), dan kita baca buku itu sampe abis. Satu anak dapet satu buku! Keren lah DKM Al-Furqan SMA 3. Hho. Bukunya buat kita lagi.

Terus pas udah istighfar kubra, naaaaaaahhhhhhh ini yang mulai sedih. Semua anak kelas 3 berdiri terus baris buat salaman sama guru-guru. SEDIH TAU. Angkatan 09 tu bisa dibilang angkatan paling pemberontak, maceuh, teu daek diomong, teu daek cicing, haha maaf ya subjektif. Ya gitu....dan aku entah kenapa paling sedih tu pas salaman ama Bu Nenden (biologi kelas 3). Ibu tu kayak yang tulus banget beungeut dan do’anya buat aku, soalnya aku emang sering duduk di depan dan ibu apal sama aku. Terus ibu tu ngajarnya OUKEY BANGET. Biologi kelas 3 adalah penyelamat aku di biologi hahaha. Terus ama Bu Oja jugaa. Asa sering didzalimi si ibu teh. Maaf ya ibu-bapak guru... tapi sayang ga ada Pak AbRo. 3ipa5 kan dosa banget ama Pa AbRo,,,tapi kmaren udh minta maaf sih kelas aku teh, altho it wasn’t decent at all...

Udah gitu semua anak disuruh masuk tapi pintu menuju koridor ditutup. Ada apakah gerangan?

Sebenernya aku udah tau sih da keliatan pas pintunya kebuka haha. AH JADI GAK SURPRISE. Hmm yaa takpapalah. Pas udah boleh masuk, ternyata anak2 kelas 2 ama kelas 1 tu bikin ‘jalan’ gitu, pagar betis apalah namanya, dan anak kelas 3 jalan di tengahnya. Disorakin, ada spanduk isinya tulisan2 penyemangat gitu dari ade2 kelas, ahhhhhh terharuuuu. Mereka nyanyi hymne sekolah lagi. Pengen nangis tapi jaim juga ahhaa. Ada anak2 SEF kelas 1...terus melukin aku, aku minta maaf juga sama mereka....huhu.

Tapi bagian paling ‘puncak’ tu justru di akhir. Pas keluar dari koridor kan ke lap.parkir belakang, dan entah siapa yang mulai tapi semua anak yg udah ada di lap.parkir belakang tu tiba-tiba saling minta maaf, pelukan, bersamaan ama aliran anak2 yang masuk dari koridor dan menuhin lap.parkir belakang. Pas ini, aku pengeeeennn banget nangis tapi ditahan. Pas Pami muncul meluk aku sambil nangis, akhirnya aku ga tahan. Aku nangiiiiiiisssss. Nangis BANGET. Ada Ayu muncul, nangis juga....Sizi, Zahra, Tristi, Uchup, Kiki, Ticeu, dan lain-lain dan sebagainya pokonya semua warga SMA 3...paling nangis sih waktu ketemu Manda. Manda juga yang tadinya ga nangis jadi nangis.

“Man....kita udah mau 6 taun kenal, SMP, SMA bareng semoga kita kuliah bareng lagi ya di ITB...”

“Mar aku juga aku minta maaaafffff banyak salah selama ini semoga kita ketemu di ITB...”

HIKS HIKS HIKS. Gila. Ga nahan.

Bahkan anak2 cowo juga nangis beneran nangis. Gila lah. Baru saat itu aku bener2 ngerasa kalo aku tu bagian dari SMA Negeri 3 Bandung. Baru saat itu aku ngerasa sayang dan cinta sama sekolah aku dan ngerasa sedih untuk ninggalinnya. Baru saat itu aku sadar kalo SMA Negeri 3 Bandung bener-bener sekolah yang paling berkesan buat aku...... Baru saat itu aku sadar bahwa di balik segala macem panggilan aku buat sekolah ini, my hellish school dan lain-lain, aku udah nemuin banyak banget pengalaman hidup di sini...........pengalaman yang sangat berharga buat hidup aku di masa depan..........

Warga SMA Tiga

Sadar akan tugasmu

Menjunjung, menjaga

Nama pelajar

Walaupun ilmu berguna

Budi luhur yang utama

Bangkitlah, Jayalah

S’luruh Warga SMA Tiga

--Hymne SMA 3, Cipt. Alm. Harry Roesli

Rasanya baru kemaren aku belajar hymne itu di koridor waktu PLisT sama gugus 9 yang masih pake seragam putih biru... duduk di alas duduk segi 9 yang susah banget dibikin, rambut harus diiket pake iket rambut warna item dan ngantuk karena disuruh dateng jam 05.20 pagi...

Semoga kita, angkatan 2009 SMA Negeri 3 Bandung, akan menjadi generasi penerus bangsa yang akan membawa negara ini menuju kesuksesan. Semoga kita lulus UN tahun ini 100%, dan diterima di perguruan tinggi yang diinginkan. Amin Ya Allah.

Marini's Favourite Quote

2009-04-10T01:05:00.009+07:00

it's 10 days to UN and 50 days to USM 2 ITB, folks!

3x10^8 m/s

2009-03-25T17:34:00.014+07:00

Tanyaku pada waktu,

“Apa kau berdilatasi?”

Waktu tidak menjawab, ia hanya tersenyum. Aku tahu arti senyuman itu, dan memang ia berkata:

“Ya, mungkin aku memang berdilatasi. Mungkin berkontraksi. Aku bisa ber-apapun, tergantung sudut pandangmu, tergantung bagaimana kau merasakanku. Pendeknya, itu semua tergantung padamu”

Ya, waktu benar. Aku tidak merasa waktu berdilatasi, justru sebaliknya, bagiku waktu berjalan dengan lebih cepat dari semestinya. Mungkin lebih cepat dari kecepatan cahaya, mungkin sama, mungkin kurang, tapi ia tetap saja berjalan cepat. Ah, mungkin Einstein ingin ia memiliki waktu lebih banyak lagi, seperti juga harapanku agar waktu bisa berdilatasi pada saat aku bahagia.

Satu tahun.
Hampir satu tahun telah berlalu.
Aku merindukan masa-masa itu.
Aku merindukan senyum dan tawa dan tangis yang terjadi.

Aku merindukan mereka yang dulu.

PEDC 2006

AEDC 2007

PEDC 2008... The beginning of great moments

ALSA UNPAD 2008, where I learned not to be selfish

AEDC 2008, the first trophy...and yes, it was because of you, coach.

ITB Expo 2008. In desperate need of gaining money.

And of course, this....

ALSA UI 2008. I love you all: teammates, coach, SEF ITB people

Am I dumb, people? Isn't this a normal feeling that someone may feel?

Waktu, bolehkah kau kuputar kembali?

Ada alasan tertentu mengapa aku tak boleh diputar kembali...

Menjelang USM 1 ITB

2009-03-21T05:46:00.003+07:00

Gw ga ikut USM 1, gw mau ikut USM 2 Mei ntar. Terus, kenapa dong gw nulis “Menjelang USM 1 ITB”?

Kemaren, Jum’at, adalah hari terakhir persiapan anak2 yang mau ikut USM 1. Pas di kelas mau jam pelajaran terakhir, yang pada mau USM tu minta do’a&dukungan, terus kita yang pada gak USM juga nyemangatin (plus berpelukan ala Teletubbies :P). Ga tau kenapa rasanya haru aja gitu. Ngerasa kayak, “Wah, temen gw mau berjuang ni besok”. Entah kenapa gw juga sedikit banyak ngerasain ketegangan yang dialamin sama temen2 gw, padahal gw gak tes kan...

Atmosfer itu juga kerasa pas ngeliat hp, terus ada yang ngeSMS minta dukungan. Status-status di facebook juga jadi pada kayak, “11 jam menuju...”; “Satu perjuangan lagi akan dilalui. Ya Allah tolonglah hambaMu ini”; “Temen-temen, minta do’anya ya buat USM...”. Yah semacam itulah. Yang gak USM pun rata-rata statusnya “Semoga yang ikut USM 1 diberikan yang terbaik. Semangat!”

Sejak kelas 3, gw rasa persatuan angkatan 2009 baru bener-bener terbentuk. Kalo ada satu hal yang paling gw suka dari masa-masa sulit kelas 3 adalah dukungan dari sesama teman yang gak berhenti. Gw seneng saat gw bisa nyemangatin dan disemangatin orang lain.

Angkatan 2009 punya segudang mimpi dan cita-cita. Meskipun kita angkatan paling pemberontak (bahkan seminggu sebelum USM kelas gw menyusut, pada gak masuk, dan puncaknya pas hari Rabu 180309 cuma 15 orang yang masuk), tapi kita tetep berjuang dengan cara kita sendiri untuk ngedapetin mimpi kita.

Aneh juga sih, kemaren waktu SIMAK UI perasaan gak se’heboh’ ini deh. Tapi gw tau alesannya: anak-anak SMA Negeri 3 Bandung emang ITB oriented dari jaman orang tua kita masih SMA. Iya kan? Mungkin karena itu juga USM 1 ini jadi kerasa banget perjuangannya.

Fight with all your might, friends. Believe in your strength, do your best. Yakinlah, dan semoga Allah SWT memberikan jalan yang terbaik untuk kita. Amin.

Sekolah tercinta :)

Officially 17, and I love him for sure :)

2009-03-09T05:56:00.002+07:00

Hari ini gw ulang tahun. Orang bilang gw ulang tahun tanggal 5, di akte juga tanggal 5. Padahal sebenernya gw ulang tahunnya pkl 23:20 WIB tanggal 5 Maret. Jadi sebenernya udah mau tanggal 6, dan pas orang pagi2 ngeSMS, ngeYM, nulis di wall, dll pas pagi dan siang dan sore itu gw belom lahir :) But now I'm officially 17.Sekarang 23:29. Hehe. Happy birthday to meeee. Terus gw SMSan sama kakak (kembaran aku). Haha, geje lah. Aku mah ya biasa we ngesms teh rada geje, kekanakan, ah pokonya gitu lah. Tapi da kakak aku mah orangnya simpel, to the point, males basa-basi, tapi sayang banget sama aku hahaha.

Kak kita udah officially 17 loh sekarang. Hehe. I hope we can be together forever! Hehe. Take care loveyyy :)

Dibalesnya apa coba? Hmmmm.... Hahaha GEJE. Tapi dia ngirim SMS, pas detik2 kelahiran aku, pas aku udah mau tepat 17 taun. Dan SMS dia itu yang bikin aku terinspirasi nulis ini. Aku tau dia bikin SMS ini sendiri. Emang kakak aku jago berkata-kata.

This is what he sent:

Have you ever wondered?

Why the sun shines?
And why the cloud glides?
And birds sing? And leaves fall?

There's a reason for that, created for them.

Have you ever asked yourself?

Why ice is cold?
And rock is hard?
And hair's smooth?
And honey's sweet?

There's a reason for that, created for them.

Have you ever thought for a while?

Why sea is blue?
And why milk is white?
And why crystal's clear?
And shadow's dark?

There's a reason for that, created for them.

So,
Don't wonder why life seems unfair.
Don't ask yourself why you feel different.
And don't think about things you shouldn't have done.

Because about them all,
Of life of people and of regrets,

There's a reason for that, created for you.

And I'm sure it's a good one.

HUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GW TERHARU DIKIRIM SMS KAYAK GITU. Gila2 dia masukin semua unsur "penyesalan hidup" gw di situ. Dia nyindir gw soal "rivalitas" antara gw dan dia, dan betapa gw selalu merasa kalah kalo dicompare sama dia. Dia nulisin tentang "persimpangan jalan" yang gw lagi laluin sekarang, masa depan gw, ujian2 gw yang udah di depan mata...AH POKOKNYA SEMUA. Dan yang gw bisa lakukan adalah ngebales SMS itu, dengan kata-kata sederhana:

KAKAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK.
Hiks.

Ga tau harus ngomong apa.

Sayang kakaaaaakkkkk x)

Dan seperti biasa, dia balesnya gak jelas bin aneh lagi.

:-):-)B-):-O:-P

HAHA ANEH IH. Yaudahlah, pokoknya aku sayang kakak aku.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US :)

My Oh My

2009-02-27T22:02:00.002+07:00

Anjrit.

Kaget gw.

Gw tau sih blog gw agak2 gimana gitu, terutama yg di bagian love-love thingynya.
Dan yang gak gitu gw perkirakan adalah orang-orang jadi mikir kalo gw lovesick gitu.
Edaaaaannnn padahal mah sebenernya biasa ajaaaa, kenapa kalian jadi mikir gw tu bener-bener kayak yang jatuh cinta segimananyaaaa gitu yang nangis2 lebay tea lah, naon lah, padahal mah NGGAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK.

Gila gila MISPERSEPSI. MISINTERPRETASI. Hahah whatever lah.

Ya udah, gw tegaskan.

GW BAIK-BAIK AJA

Tanpa harus ada seseorang yang ngehubungin gw siang malem. Tanpa harus ada apa yang orang bilang cinta-cinte-cintu-cinti-cinto. Kalaupun gw keliatannya desperate dan telenovela-ish di blog gw, itu murni karena gw pengen ngetes skill nulis. Gw pengen bikin bacaan yang bikin cewe seneng bacanya, dan gw tau masalah cinta adalah salah satu yang bikin cewe seneng baca. Tapi gw berani memastikan, gw baik-baik aja.

Jadi jangan salah paham lagiiiiiiii :)

Hating, and Fighting Myself

2009-02-22T16:39:00.003+07:00

Kemaren mama complain lagi soal betapa-malesnya-gw. Mama bilang gw belom nunjukin peningkatan frekuensi belajar, despite the fact that UN, USM, dan SNMPTN tinggal ngitung bulan lagi. Gw tau gw emang salah, jadi gw ga bisa nyalahin mama soal ini. Tapi tetep aja gw nangis.

Akhir-akhir ini gw emang lagi lemah banget, both di fisik maupun mental. Sering banget, kalo ujan, gw suka ngeliatin ujan itu turun. Cuma ngeliatin doang dengan tatapan kosong. Bukannya gila, tapi kadang gw ngerasa damai aja kalo ngeliat ujan, cause I like rain, much. Gw ngerasa seakan-akan gw ga usah nangis kalo ngeliat ujan, soalnya air mata gw udah ada diantara air hujan itu. Filosofis? Nupp, as for me.

These days are super-hard. Mungkin gak seberat masa-masa kelas 1 SMA saat gw ngerasa gw bener-bener ada di the lowest point, tapi tetep aja. Gw benci segala sesuatu tentang diri gw sendiri sekarang ini. Gw yang cengeng, pengennya masih bisa main-main kayak waktu kelas 2. Karena gak bisa, yang ada ya gw ngelakuin hal2 yang gak produktif: tidur-tiduran, nonton TV, baca-baca koran sampe lamaaa banget, buka2 facebook, dll. Gw udah nempel2 di kamar tentang Road to Success, yang intinya sih penggabungan mental, fisik, dan otak (implementasi: latihan soal, berdo’a, jaga kesehatan). Tapi yang ada? Solat Isya aja masih sering ketinggalan, kadang solat dipepet banget sampe udah mau azan selanjutnya. Baca Qur’an mood2an, kalo lagi ngerasa “marah”, lantas gw gak mau berdo’a. Apa-apaan sih? Kenapa gw gak nyadar bahwa sebesar-besarnya event bernama Ujian Nasional atau Seleksi Nasional Masuk Perguruan Tinggi Negeri atau Ujian Saringan Masuk ITB, tetep ada suatu kekuatan yang lebih besar? Kenapa gw jadi makhluk sombong sementara gw gak punya apa-apa dibanding Dia?

Di dinding deket pintu kamar, gw bikin countdown. Tiap hari angka-angkanya berkurang, yet gw masih belum juga ngelakuin apa-apa. Temen-temen gw, kerjaannya tiap hari udah kayak profesor aja buka-buka buku. Gw masih kayak gini!!! Pemalas!!!

Makin hari gw ngerasa makin munafik. Tambah lagi, gak sedikit orang-orang yang ngeoverestimate gw, dengan omongan-omongan kayak, “Alah lu mah pasti masuk ITB”; “Kalo jadi lu gw mah ga akan belajar lagi juga udah cukup kok”. Gw gak suka. Gw gak suka karena gw gak malah jadi terpacu buat ngebuktiin sama orang-orang yang ngomong gitu kalo gw emang bisa. Kenyataannya semua berbanding terbalik. Gw baru lulus pilihan 1 2x, dan grafik Try Out gw makin menurun sementara orang lain naik.

Apa yang salah? Gw gak tau kenapa badan gw sangat gak kooperatif. Dari satu bulan, hampir sekitar 2 minggu gw pasti sakit. Kemaren aja pulang les jam 8 malem langsung mengigil, dan besoknya gw tidur seharian, ga bisa bangun, ga bisa makan, muntah-muntah. Kenapa? Gw gak tau! Gw udah coba makan cukup, minum cukup, tidur cukup, malah kebanyakan. Tapi tetep aja tiap capek dikit langsung sakit. Gimana gw mau belajar kalo sakit? Dan satu hal lagi: ngantuk. Seriiiinnnggg banget gw kalah sama ngantuk. Udah nyiapin segala macem, eh yang ada malah gw ngiler di atas buku. Compare that sama temen gw yang memantapkan hati untuk bangun jam 2 pagi tiap hari buat belajar. Termasuk golongan orang macam apa gw ini???

Katanya, Allah gak akan ngecewain orang yang udah berusaha. Gw pengen percaya itu, tapi gw gak berusaha. Gw...gw gak tau harus gimana. Gw udah nyoba ngelawan ngantuk, tapi tetep gak bisa, dan kalo udah ngantuk pelajaran ga akan ada yang masuk. Gw pengen berhasil kayak kakak, kakak yang masuk FK UNPAD lewat SNMPTN sementara orang lain harus bayar beratus-ratus juta lewat SMUP. Mama memperparah my attempt to reach the same level (yang susah payah juga) dengan bilang: Passing grade ITB lebih rendah dari FK, dan kamu bakal mama masukin lewat USM. Masa’ masih gak bisa juga?

Okay, I’m now crying. Itulah kebisaan gw. Nangis, being munafik, janji palsu, bahkan ngeingkarin janji terhadap diri sendiri. Apa artinya nangis? Ga ada. Gak ada suatu pembuktian diri untuk ngejawab semua keraguan maupun keoptimisan orang terhadap diri gw. Gak ada suatu usaha yang real untuk bikin orangtua bangga. Yang ada gw berjealous ria ke kakak, without reminding myself bahwa usaha kakak emang keras, ditambah dia emang jenius. Yang ada gw cuma ngeliatin orang-orang belajar mati-matian, yang ada gw males-malesan. Gw gak lebay, gw gak mendramatisasi, emang itulah yang terjadi sekarang ini.

Ada satu fakta penting yang gw sadari sejak gw jadi anak kelas 3: that we are actually alone in this world. Gw gak bisa selamanya ngeharepin orang-orang yang gw sayangin selalu ada di sisi gw, 24 jam, 7 hari seminggu. Mereka punya hidup mereka masing-masing, dan gw gak mau jadi orang egois yang kerjaannya pengen mereka ngerasain apa yang gw rasain. Mereka berhak bahagia tanpa harus ‘mencicipi’ kestressan dan kesedihan gw.
So now what? Yang ada, gw harus bisa ngalahin diri gw sendiri, karena semua setan sedang berpesta di dalamnya. Akankah gw ingkar lagi? Gw gak tau. Gw berharap nggak.

Aku ingin menjadi bagian dari orang-orang yang dirahmati oleh-Mu, ya Allah. Maka dari itu kuatkanlah hamba, karena hanya dengan kuasaMu lah segalanya bisa terjadi.

Pathetic. I am.

Teddy Bear

2009-02-14T20:59:00.002+07:00

Aku menemukannya di sebuah toko secara tak sengaja. Bukan toko khusus boneka, bukan toko cantik tempat membeli gift, lebih tepatnya toko serba ada. Berbagai macam barang dari mulai permen coklat sampai minyak sayur ada disitu. Keberagaman yang membuatku tertarik. Kebetulankah? Atau mungkin takdir yang membawaku ke sana. Kalau tidak, kenapa dari sekian banyak boneka, dialah yang kupilih?

Saat aku membawanya pulang, sedikitpun aku tidak merasa memilikinya. Instruksi yang diberikan padaku sudah jelas, tanpa banyak cing cong.

Kukeluarkan boneka teddy bear besar itu dari plastik pembungkusnya. Kurasakan bulu-bulunya yang halus, dan aku melihat ke dalam matanya yang hitam, senyum lebarnya yang kaku, pasrah.

Aku tahu sesuatu telah terjadi.

Hanya dalam satu hari aku langsung menyayanginya. Kupeluk dan kubawa ia kesana-kemari. Kududukkan di atas tempat tidurku, kubawa saat aku membaca buku, dan kupeluk erat sekali sebelum aku melepasnya saat aku ingin ke toilet. Entah kenapa aku tidak rela melepasnya, meskipun aku tahu dia bukan milikku. Kuingkari segala akal sehat, kuikuti jalan yang telah terbentang di depanku, jalan yang akan kuretas bersamanya, tak peduli boleh atau tidak.

Jarum jam terus berdetak. Saat senja menjelang dan jingga menyemburat ke angkasa, aku membawanya ke ranah yang lebih pribadi. Sambil memeluknya seperti biasa, aku pun mulai bersahabat dengannya, memberitahunya apa yang kurasakan hari ini dan kemarin, serta harapanku untuk esok. Hanya satu hal yang kurahasiakan: harapanku agar bisa terus bersamanya di hari-hari mendatang.

Aku senang berbicara dengannya meskipun mungkin tidak mendapatkan tanggapan yang kuharapkan. Aku hanya memerlukan penyaluran rasa kecewa, sedikit kasih sayang, dan dukungan psikologis.

Dan dia selalu disana. Aku bertumbuh bersamanya, melalui satu fase dalam hidupku yang kering ini dengan sedikit siraman afeksi darinya, dan aku menikmati setiap detik yang berlalu dengan lebih bahagia dari yang pernah kurasakan.

Malam tiba dan aku kian memeluknya erat.

Seketika aku tahu tanpa diberitahu bahwa dia juga menyayangiku. Bisikan intuisilah yang, kukira, memberitahuku. Dan aku maupun dia tidak butuh lebih dari itu. Tidak butuh permen atau coklat atau rasa yang lain. Ia adalah rasaku, dan aku adalah rasanya. Kami saling melengkapi, walau terkadang bagai air dengan api. Cinta memang tak membutuhkan perwujudan nyata yang ternyata hanya gombal atau bual. Jauh di dalam hati masing-masing, hatinya yang entah apa, mengingat ia adalah teddy bear, aku tahu dia membutuhkanku juga.

Tapi sepanjang apapun malam, pasti akan berakhir.

Dan pagi pun datang, bersinar terang membangunkanku dari mimpi, menyadarkanku bahwa aku masih memeluknya bahkan saat aku tidur. Aku hanya mampu tersenyum, pahit karena aku tahu apa yang tidak ingin aku tahu, karena aku tinggal punya sedikit sisa waktu yang sia-sia.

Pagi ini adalah hari perpisahan kami. Aku toh hanya melewati satu malam karena ia hanya titipan. Ia harus diberikan pada orang lain yang berhak atasnya, dan memang itulah instruksi yang diberikan padaku. Namun berbagai macam pertanyaan berkecamuk. Inilah manusia. Egois. Masih juga mempertahankan apa yang memang seharusnya tidak menjadi miliknya.

Akankah dia aman dalam genggaman pemilik barunya nanti? Akankah orang itu melewati malam yang indah seperti yang telah kulalui, dan membuat teddy bear ini bahagia lagi? Aku takut teddy bear ini tidak akan berarti apa-apa baginya, aku takut ia hanya akan senang pertama-tamanya saja, memeluknya sekali atau beberapa hari lalu membuangnya ke gudang kemudian bermain dengan mainan-mainannya yang lain. Tentu, mainan lain bisa lebih canggih dan menarik dibanding teddy bear ini, jika orang lain tidak mengerti makna sesungguhnya dibalik senyum pasrahnya yang lebar atau matanya yang hitam.

Tapi aku, aku yang berasumsi bahwa aku telah mencintainya dengan sempurna meskipun dalam waktu yang relatif singkat, aku tidak bisa berbuat apa-apa. Begitu juga teddy bear yang kusayangi. Bukankah takdirnya adalah untuk bisa bebas dipeluk siapapun? Lagipula, dalam genggamanku belum tentu dia bahagia. Mungkin jika aku terlalu lama bersamanya ia akan jadi kotor, dan aku tidak punya waktu untuk membersihkan bulu-bulunya yang lucu dan lembut. Atau mungkin aku menemukan boneka baru dan ia ditinggalkan. Tidak, aku tidak lebih baik dari siapapun yang nanti akan memilikinya.

Takdir membawaku padanya, dan takdir juga yang memisahkanku dengannya. Satu malam indah sudah cukup memberikan energi positif yang baru bagiku dan baginya. Kehidupan kami masih panjang dan baru mencapai tahap awal.

Hanya omongan picisan yang hampakah ini, atau memang refleksi dari apa yang sebenarnya dirasakan? Tapi satu hal aku tahu pasti…

Aku berharap teddy bear[ku] bahagia. Karena sekarang setelah aku melepasnya, aku tahu memang inilah yang seharusnya terjadi.

The Pros and Cons of Being A Debater

2009-01-25T10:57:00.002+07:00

The word ‘debater’ may be uncommon for some people. Swimmer, player, gamer,,,but debater? What job is that?

This reaction can be understood, when debating itself is not a very popular thing among Indonesian people. Unfortunately, people in Indonesia (at least those around me) tend to be passive-reactive towards an issue, many of us don’t feel that ‘serious’ news is a part of our daily life, for example. This situation is so different from those in more developed countries, say, USA or any other first world countries.

In this writing I don’t wanna write about how Indonesian don’t really care about the world’s condition, but about the good and bad side of being a debater (according to my own experiences). Writing ‘debater’ means that I refer to a person who debates, joins competitions, trains and spars regularly, and, perhaps, a person who makes debating a hobby.

***

I started debating in 2006. November 2006, precisely (THREE YEARS? And I’m still dumb! :P). There was an invitation coming to my school, and I was forced to join. Well, not really. I passed some kind of audition first.

Thing is, in my two years effective period of debating (2006-2008), I’ve spotted this trend: high school debaters are often those who have a relatively higher standard of English skills compared to another pupils. Teachers don’t really know how the system of debating works. In debating, debaters don’t need only a good English speaking skill, but also logics, the capability to work in a team, consistency, rhetoric skill, etc. The system that most teachers apply—picking up the speech contest winner or a student who achieve 90 in his/her English exam—to be sent to debate competitions gnashes down the chance for another capable students who want to join and have hidden talents, but didn’t get a high score in the last exam xp

As for me, debating has its own *evil* and *angel* side. Let’s start from the *angel* side first...

The *Angel* side

I really gain many benefits from being a debater. Three years ago I was a nice-homie kid, knew nothing about genocide in Sudan, what the hell free trade was, and knew about global warming only by its literal meaning: the rising of temperature in the earth. I couldn’t speak English as fluent as I can now, I couldn’t write essays in English as enjoyable as I do now. And I didn’t have a wide range of network, I didn’t have any close friends outside school, except those whom I met in Elementary and Junior High School, and my trophies were mainly about Mathematics and Science.

When you’re being a debater, you’ll definitely open your eyes wide. The motions that are used in debating require you to think, think, and think. You’ll certainly make yourself updated by news. Not only that, when you have those information stored in your head, you have to process it in order to make good arguments. And in the end this will make you think creatively and increase your knowledge. Knowing about things that are going on in the world, you’ll feel that you really are a part of this big world, making you more responsible about things that you do, and care about another people, even in another part of the world.

Because I was forced to understand the information I got (coz I had to say something about that in the next day’s debate), I pushed my brain to think harder. Because the matters were mostly written in English, I had to decipher the English words that I didn’t understand. Because I had to make a speech that is understandable, I made my arguments structurized. And because I had to synchronize with my team, like it or not I had to appreciate their ideas, even when it clashed with mine. In the end I applied the thesis-antithesis-synthesis theory that was made by a philosopher named Hegel (hayayah? gunyuu? What is this?).

The benefits are not only be felt when I join competitions. In my daily life, I’m now more aware about the world’s condition. I try to lessen the use of plastic bags and I grow nice, small plants outside my house. Beside, I have a drastic increase in many soft-skills. I’m now more confident to speak up my mind, and at the same time I always think about the complications, and whether my justifications about what I say will be enough. In making school tasks, I can make it more structurized. My writings are also affected, I can write better and wittier posts than before, not only about childish and corny love story. I also am able to appreciate different kinds of people today. I don’t judge a gay, for example, too hard now, coz I know why they are being like that, from a debate where I had to be the affirmative for gay marriage. I can also feel the complicated mixture of feelings that inter-faith couple do feel. Not to mention that now I know different types of condoms, hahaha (hey you should know about this when you’re debating about condom vending machine right??).

Debate trains me to be a strong and big-hearted girl. It also makes me organize my time more effectively. Not only that, when I joined competitions I met many people, from all over Indonesia, and I befriended them. The friendship didn’t end when the competitions ended, so I could have many new friends. I also train and spar regularly, activities where I met many people who are older than me. So the networks that I have now is not only with the high school students, but also university students, and people who are already work. Wide, isn’t it?

Yah, bottomline, being a debater can bring you to a completely new world.

***

The *Evil* side

So, this is it (‘a la chef’ mode: on), the bad side. HIHIHIHIHIHI (‘a la chef’ mode: off, kuntilanak mode: on). NAON DEUI.

The first thing that made me regret my decision of being a debater is: I sacrificed my academic life. Hmmm. Ada yang kesepet gitu deh (Indonesian mode: on).

Yeah, well, I have to say that I found many cases of sacrificing academic life in debaters that I met. Sometimes I just feel like being a school hater when it comes to choose one of these two ‘important’ things. I really enjoy debating, and when I have free times, rather than trying to understand what my Physics teacher teaches me, I move my feet to any place where I can hear ‘hear-hear’ and ‘shame-shame’. Bad, bad girl. T_T

This can be found in many debaters. As far as I know, university students also do the same. Skipping classes to join debate practice, or getting tired after a day full of debating and deciding not to join tomorrow’s lesson. Debating consumes energy, so debaters often lose their passion to open thick books that they have to read...

Generally speaking, this habit is dangerous. A debater once told me that he/she was going to give up. He/she said (modified by me, but it still has the same core):

Debate consumes my time. I concentrate too much in debating, so I abandon my studies. I always spend days and nights with debaters, I don’t have enough time to listen to my non-debater friend’s problems. I start to disappear from family gatherings coz I always be outside home having debate practices. And I spend much more money than before, going out with debaters to cafes and another hanging-out places too often. I’m getting tired of this.

The paragraph above is real, but I won’t reveal who said that coz I haven’t asked for permission.

What does it show you?

I believe everything has its own good and bad side, and that’s why debate appears. Being a debater gives you many benefits, but it is also an addictive substance. Let me give an analogy: debate=heroine. It’s addictive, the pleasure escalates everytime you do it, you find a new life, friends, love, perhaps. You have a wide range of network, but the truth is you’re trapped in one community. You may start to forget your family at home, losing many sweet moments with your cousins or relatives, coz you’re out practicing. You suddenly disappear from your past “circle of friends” coz you feel that you’re ‘click’ with these debaters—people who love talking about the newest issues are not found everywhere. And as the same as the experience of that person above, you may have more expenses to hang out with many debaters too often.

Of course everything I write in this *evil side* part is based on my own experience (and his/her experience that he/she told me). While the *angel* side is basically the same with any other debaters in common, the *evil side* can be totally different.

Another bad side of being a debater is (according to some people who told this to me): many people see that debaters are doing nonsense. We talked about this and that, but it ended up as a bunch of arguments that never being implemented in our real life. We talk about Israel and Palestine, for example. But we just talk about it. We never have any real plan or action to help ending the conflict, nor we care. In the end we’re just the same passive-reactive Indonesian people, but the context is different. I’m not saying that I’ll go to Gaza tomorrow and do jihad, but the thing is debaters have to make themselves more down-to-earth, in my opinion.

***

Conclusion

I think debaters (including me) have to have balance in their life. Debate is indeed interesting, but directly or indirectly it can harm other aspects of your life if you're not careful.
Yah well, everything that I wrote above is purely based on my own view. It may not be well elaborated, hehehe. You’re free to have different views, and disagree with what I write. I do appreciate freedom of speech. ^^